This is going to be/is a pretty stressful week for me, as Spencer's birthday is Friday and her party is Saturday. Everything's been ordered, invitations mailed, now it's just implementing all of it. Of course my house needs a good cleaning, but it's not that bad. But when you have an almost two year old, and a Great Dane puppy, you can't clean too far in advance, or else you'll just be doing it twice, or thrice, and what ever the -ice version of four is.
You can't do anything in advance really, just order, buy, and wait for the horrendous day when you know you have to do everything at once. It's just hanging over my head right now, and I've never been all that great at implementation. I'm a much better planner than doer. Almost every paper I've ever written that received an A was done in an all night marathon. When I spent days or weeks trying to write one paper, I'd write a few pages, come back the next day and maybe decide to go with a new theme, or the flow was off, the tone different. I'd second guess, rewrite, re-edit, waste loads of time, and erode my self-confidence in the process. For me, long term projects lack coherency- I'm a sprinter, not a marathon type of girl.
Of course this leads to a great deal of stress and is probably not the smartest or healthiest way to handle anything, but so far, it's the one that produces the best results. But I'm open to suggestions, always!
So today, while I was taking a break from my mental party preparations, Spencer and I went with my aunt to my Grandparent's house. It's finally been sold and the closing is tomorrow. I'd already said my goodbyes to the house and I really didn't want to go, I felt like it would be having to do it all over again. But my aunt really wanted someone to go with her, so we went. And I'm so glad I did.
I didn't go in again, but I got out with Spencer and walked around. It's the weirdest feeling to be somewhere and know that you'll never be there again. Even though it's only 15 minutes away and I could drive by anytime I want- I won't. I won't be able to go in the backyard or sit on the porch. This was it. I walked to the edge of the backyard and memories came flooding back. There's this concrete drain type thing in the back, that runs through the entire neighborhood- on the other side is just woods.
When I was a little girl I thought it was a real creek, because water was always flowing through it, and I used to dare myself to jump over it. My Grandpa built a plank for me to cross it, like a pirate, and then I'd be in "the woods" which was very scary for me. It's where I saw a deer for the first time, and I'd put out treats for her so she'd come back and visit. I can remember my Grandpa telling me to be very quiet or else she'd get scared and run away.
The "Creek"
As I got older, I rarely headed into the yard and the creek became more overgrown. When I saw it today, it looked nothing like my memories of it, but it still brought tears to my eyes. I have a very difficult time letting go of things/feelings, but I've done a really good job with it in terms of Grandparents. Not forgetting them, but knowing that they needed to be together to be happy and if that meant they'd have to be in Heaven to do so, well, okay. But going back there reminded me of a much happier time with them, it made me forget their last awful days, and it was tears of happiness that I quickly brushed away from my face. (Spencer does NOT like it when I cry).
My Grandpa was my only grandparent who got to meet to Spencer. My parents initially tried to hide my pregnancy from everyone but my Grandma died when I was 6 months pregnant, putting an end to that. My Dad told him shortly thereafter and when I saw him the next day, he gave me a long hug and said "We lost our girl, but God's given us another one." I'll never forget that- his words, his expression, his embrace. He was so loving and supportive of me.
I thought I'd already said goodbye, I sprinted right through and tried not to look too far back. But Spencer's upcoming birthday has really made me very reflective and emotional. I decided I don't need to say goodbye, I have two decades worth of fabulous memories and stories to keep my company. So much of the grieving process is spent on the final days, probably because the good days are too hard to remember. But going back to their house today reminded me of all those wonderful times and cherished memories. It wasn't a goodbye today.
