Judgment Day is Nigh

I had planned on posting this picture on May 22, 2011- the day after the much publicized prediction of the Judgement Day Rapture.  But then I thought to myself, well, on the 0.000000000000001% chance that the Rapture is going to occur this Saturday at 6PM, maybe I should err on the safe side and post it now- just in case. 



I took this picture back in December when Spencer and I were driving to North Carolina to visit her Great-Grandparents.  We were just outside of Lynchburg, VA, in a fairly rural area, when I spotted this massive billboard proclaiming Judgement Day was going to be on May 21, 2011.  So I did the same thing any other sane person would have done and so I did an immediate u-turn followed by another  u-turn into the median turning lane.

I always keep my camera in the front seat with me when I'm driving, which was good since I didn't exactly want to park my car in the lane for any lengthy period of time.  The only problem was that I wasn't really up close to the billboard and I had to take the pictures through the windshield glass- hence the not-so-great image quality.  But there was nothing that was going to stop me from taking a picture of this thing!  I could not believe what I was seeing and I didn't think anyone else would believe me either- unless I had photographic proof!

Under the umbrella of Christianity, there have been denominations, sects and cults all claiming to know that the Rapture was going to occur on a specific day.  When their predictions didn't come true these groups did one of three things 1)  Fizzled out due to a lack of credibility and loss of belief in their leader   2) Offered an explanation as to why the Lord changed his mind and that it was now going to happen on this new date or 3) Committed mass suicide.

People have been making these Judgement Day/Rapture predictions for over 2000 years- it's a pretty common thing.  But what is new is this massive grass roots/viral marketing/savvy advertising campaign these folks have created in order to spread their message.  The types of groups and individuals that usually make this kind of specific date prediction are generally on the fringe of mainstream Christianity- meaning they have a small following, limited funds, and lack authority/credibility within the Christian orthodoxy.  Even if they wanted to spread the news far and wide, high and low, they wouldn't really have the means to do so and if for some reason they had those kinds of funds, their lack of credibility would prevent them from being taken seriously. 

Harold Camping has been spreading the news of a May 21, 2011 Judgement Day ever since his last failed Rapture prediction came and went on September 6, 1994.  This makes it even more baffling that so many people have latched onto his teachings. And his teachings don't have any wiggle room or room for doubt- "Beyond the shadow of a doubt, May 21 will be the date of the Rapture and the day of judgment," he told the AP.

Not only have they latched on- his followers have quit their jobs, sold their homes, and cashed out their retirement funds!  They've taken their children out of school so that they could join them spreading this news across the county, no, the world!  They drive around in caravans of RVs sharing their message that the world as we all know it is going to end on May 21, 2011.  And then five months later, on October 21, 2011,  God is going to completely destroy the Earth and everyone else who still has the great misfortune of still being alive.  Ironically, I will turn 30 on October 22, so maybe that's not so bad... kidding!

My theological beliefs are always evolving and I think it's important that it stays that way.  When you stop asking questions, stop trying to learn something new, and stop looking deeper, you stop any growth.  But there will always be a few things that, for me, don't and shouldn't evolve.  I haven't completely firmed up my eschatological beliefs- I flip flop between some schools of thought, but I do know there is one thing about which I'm certain.  And that is, if you believe in a literal Rapture interpretation, you must also literally believe that no one, not one single person, knows the hour or day it's going to happen. 

Now I am the first person who will say that the Bible can sometimes be frustratingly vague, especially for someone like me who likes clear cut, easy to understand answers.  But what Jesus says here seems pretty clear- He didn't use a parable to explain a deeper meaning or answer their question with another question- it's a direct answer without any hidden sub-text. It says:

"As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. 'Tell us,' they said, 'when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?' Jesus answered: 'Watch out that no one deceives you.  For many will come in my name'"  Matt 24:3-5 (NIV)  Later on in that chapter He tells them "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." Matt 24:36 (NIV)

And if those verses weren't enough to convince you that you can't predict the exact day of judgment, there's more!  Jesus went on telling his disciples "Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."  Matt 24:42-44 (NIV)

So it confuses me as to why Harold Camping thinks there is a secret encoded calendar in the Bible that provides the answer to the 2000 year old question about the actual, specific day of judgment.  But Camping is kind of an odd duck; he uses a literal hermeneutic approach in regards to the specific rapture, which is generally consistent with the dispensationalists, yet he rejects premillennialism, and believes the tribulation began in 1988- which is not at all consistent with dispensationalism.  And with the exception of the rapture, his theology fall clearly within the amillennialists allegorical interpretation of scripture- yet they don't believe in a literal rapture.  He is all over the place trying to piece this thing together the way he sees it and it just doesn't work.

I can tell you this though- I will be really miffed if it's that predictable and it does happen on Saturday.  When I first learned about "the end days," I spent countless hours worrying that it would happen before I could get married and have children.  Think of all I could have done with that time?  ha!  As Peanuts creator Charles Schultz once famously put it, "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."

In some ways I really feel for Camping- it's obvious that he deeply believes what he's saying.  I don't think he is intentionally trying to mislead people or trick them into giving him their money- I mean, he is 89 years old.  And in his own, very misguided way, he believes he's doing what God has called him to do and sound the trumpet. Camping has practically devoted the entirety of his life to the cause of predicting the judgment day and in the end, all he will ever be remembered for is being the crazy man who spent millions of dollars of his own money trying to convince people the world was going to end on May 21, 2011.

I'm going to step out on a limb here and make a prediction of my own:  I predict you all are going to see me post this picture again on May 22, 2011.  And if I don't, well, I guess it could be worse- after all, that means I will be eternally "in my twenties."

My Church, Maranatha Baptist

This week over at Kelly's Korner everyone is sharing information about their churches. I have about ten blog posts that are just waiting for me to publish them, but I really felt this was something I needed to do first.

I think one of the best things I can tell you about my church, Maranatha Baptist, is that they accept and love me, they love and accept Spencer, and as a single mom that means the world to me. Instead of judgment I was met with outstretched arms.  Maranatha is a young church, but we are a close-knit group of Christ Followers. 

After five years of meeting in a small school, three weeks ago we celebrated our first service in our own new building.  We are eagerly waiting to welcome ALL new guests and visitors!    

 

Pastor Woodburn and his wife, Mary.  I am very close to with them- they are also the parents of my best friend, Sara, and I sometimes forget that we're not actually family members.

 

Scenes from our first Sunday in the new building

Our services are a combination of both contemporary praise and worship music as well as some  traditional hymn favorites

Two members of the Praise Team, and yes, they are identical twins.

If you are in the Richmond/Chesterfield/Tri-Cities, Virginia area, we would love to have you stop by and visit.  If you have kids, great!  There are a lot of children and we have some really great programs for them- Spencer loves going there so much, she'd go every day if she could. But she doesn't call it church, she calls it "Happy." (she came up with that all on her own)  One of my favorite things is our Moms and Mentor's group, which meets monthly for dinner, games, prizes, crafts, and devotionals.  To find out more information about our statement of faith, core beliefs, and mission statement please visit our new website HERE.

Maranatha Baptist's New Location:

9604 Newby's Bridge Rd.

Chesterfield, VA 23832

Telephone: 804-743-1274

E-mail: info@maranathabaptistchurch.net

The Gap Between Believing and Knowing

Studying human physiology is both fascinating and mind boggling; everything in our body is interdependent on each other. You can have the healthiest heart imaginable, but that means nothing if your lungs don't work. Strong and capable legs won't let you walk if your spinal cord is severed. You can be the picture of perfect health and wellness, but if your brain doesn't have any electric activity, your body will cease to function. The beauty of the system doesn't shine through in these absolute absences of somethings working; it's best seen in the times of preservation and survival.

When the heart is weak, the brain picks up some of the slack and tries to reroute things in order to give the heart the rest it needs.  The body may not function the way it should and other systems are being over worked, but it's doing what it must in order to keep surviving.  Think of it like your laptop: you can work off the battery for one hour with the screen at full brightness or you can work off of it for three hours with the screen at it's dimmest.   The heart and the brain are symbiotic- they need each other to survive; the heart can't pump blood if the brain doesn't tell it to do so and the brain can't tell the heart what to do if it's not receiving the blood pumped from the heart.

There are two types of people in this world- the brain people and the heart. I'm a brain person.  I'm sure it has something to do with my dad being a neurologist, but to me, the power of the brain is both equally fascinating and terrifying.  Is there anything as, or more, devastating than seeing a perfectly healthy young person die from a fatal brain injury when the rest of their body is in perfect working condition? Actually, there is.  It's watching someone who's trapped inside of their body from a disease like ALS-  they know everything that's going on, can feel an itch, but can't scratch it and can't even speak to let anyone know.  It's a painful, terrifying awareness of their own helpless condition.  As much as I'm a brain person, I know it means nothing without a heart.  The heart and the brain make up the very essence of belief and knowledge.

Living a life based on faith comes very naturally to some people- it's easy for them to see divine purpose in everything, to believe in Something and Someone they can't actually see with their own two eyes, and they've never even seriously thought, or wanted, to question any of it.  I am not that person.

My faith, having faith, has always been a constant struggle- it's an uphill battle that I fight on a daily basis.  It's not easy for me believe something I can't see with my own two eyes, it's even more difficult to try and believe something that I sometimes disagree with, and it's next to impossible for me to just accept it and not to question it.  When bad things are happening in my life, my first tendency is to be angry with God instead of praying to Him.  And when I am praying, my brain is often asking my why I'm talking to myself.  That's when my heart starts to doubt and I begin to question everything and it's a vicious cycle. 

 I don't really like this about myself and it's something I work at on daily.  But the fact is, there are many things that I know, which I don't always believe, and there are even more things which I believe that I don't in fact know.  And here's what I've come to realize- in matters of faith, it doesn't matter what you know if you don't believe it. My brain can tell me til I'm blue in the face that when I'm praying I'm actually just talking to myself; but my heart doesn't really believe that.  And how do I know this, you ask?  Because if my heart really believed that then I would stop praying.  But I don't- because deep down, despite what my brain can sometimes tell me, I don't believe that when I'm praying I'm just having a conversation with myself.  In another, more tricky, area, my heart can often believe there's no way God could, or would, ever still love a person like me- someone who doubts and questions everything, gets lost in the minutiae instead of looking at the bigger picture, and makes more mistakes than 10 people combined.  But my brain doesn't believe that- it knows what the Bible says and therefore it knows my heart is wrong.

While my heart and my brain are often times at war with each, they recognize the others' inherent weaknesses- because ultimately, they need each other to survive.  When I rely too much on my brain, putting too much emphasis on what I know to be true, my heart tries to step in and equal things out.  When my heart starts believing things that my brain knows aren't true, it tries to step in and equal things out.  You need knowledge to have belief and belief to have knowledge.  The only reason I know that oxygen has eight electrons is because I believe what I've been told is true.  I don't try and poke holes in or prove that it's incorrect- I just believe it. The only reason I believe there is such a thing as wind is because I see it's effect on things and even though I can't actually see it, I know it's there. 

Before I had Spencer, I never believed I was capable of loving someone so much. It's not that I didn't think I wouldn't love my future child with everything I had in me- I did.  But at that time in my life, I didn't have the knowledge of what it meant to be a mother.  I didn't believe I was capable of such love because I didn't know a person could love anyone that much.  When Spencer was born, I thought I knew I loved her as much as humanly possible, but when I think about how my love for her has grown every day since then, I know I was wrong.  By themselves, neither belief or knowledge are infallible- you have have to bridge the gap between the two.  You have to listen to both or you're going to miss out on the full picture.

I don't think it will ever be easy for me to listen to my heart over my brain; I don't think it will ever be easy for me to have faith that doesn't question or doubt.  But I don't stop trying and I keep on working at it. And I hope, I really hope, it will get easier and that one day having faith in Him the size of a mustard seed won't seem like it might as well be Mount Everest. 

The Not-Mardi Gras Season

Lent.
Lint?
No, L-E-N-T

I grew up in a small Baptist Church- my life almost revolved it. My Mema had been a founding member of said establishment, my mom was a baby in the nursery, I was a baby in the nursery, I dated the pastor's son for years, and my best friend- my forever friend- was the pastor's daughter.

My Dad, originally from New Jersey - my Mema lovingly referred to him as Yankee- is Catholic. One of the stipulations my dad had to agree to when he married my mom, was that the children would be raised in her faith.

Oddly enough, this never provided any real confusion for me, if anything I liked that I got learn about another view point of Christianity. My grandparents were the real deal, the old-school - wish-masses-were-in-Latin, kind of Catholics. The never ate meat on Fridays, ever- and they gave up meat for all of Lent.

In the Baptist faith, or at least the one where I was raised, there is no observing of Lent. There was never any mention of it, as Christ did all the sacrifice for us, there was no need to sacrifice now. But secretly, I was always jealous when I would hear my friends and family talk about what they were giving up. It was like a bonding experience for them and provided many an awkward moment when they'd ask me what I was giving up. They knew I was a Christian, but when I'd say that we (Baptists) don't do Lent, I could read that their minds were saying "Oh, she's one of those Christians."

Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that used to be such an assured Christian, I didn't doubt what I believed- I knew it was true. I made it through all of high school and college without a doubt that entrance into Heaven required acceptance of Jesus Christ as your Personal Lord and Savior, that He died on the Cross at Calvary to save us from our sins, and that without Him we were doomed. I even went on a missions trip to Peru to help spread and preach the Gospel.

Peru, 2000

Machu Picchu

Oddly enough, my testimony thrived on interaction with disbelievers and skeptics. I used to love telling them how I knew everything the Bible said was true- it was like a challenge for me- to see if I could sway them to the light. When my faith crisis occurred, I was surrounded by other like-minded people. It seemed to me that everything I had been taught to believe was making me miserable, was responsible for everything that was breaking me.

I had so many questions, but no answers. Nothing would infuriate me more than having someone tell me "His Ways are not our ways." I became furious with my mom for raising me the way she did, because I was forever ruined - there was no way I could reconcile what I had been taught was true with what I actually believed was true. Even if I could convince myself that I had found "the real truth" there would always be that voice in the back of my head saying "this is wrong."

Since I had Spencer, my faith crisis has changed and evolved. I don't want to raise her with a constant fear of burning in Hell for all eternity, but at the same time, I know it's my duty to make sure she is raised to love and know the Lord and for her to know and believe she needs salvation. It's something I think about all the time, going around and around.

In the last few months I have begun feeling a shift. This entire time I have been using the excuse that since I no longer believe what I was taught, but also unable to actually disbelieve it enough to have faith in something else, then I'll just believe in nothing. But this hasn't worked for me either, especially since I don't really believe "in nothing." In my heart I do believe in "Something."

One of the main things I dislike the most about my spiritual upbringing beliefs, is the constant focus on the afterlife, that this is Satan's world and as Christians we should not be of the world. But I am of this world, I was born here for a reason and I don't think the only reason I'm here is so that I can go to Heaven one day. I believe that as a Christian the most important work you can do on this Earth is be an example of God's love- helping others, giving of yourself to those in need.

I've always been taught that good works will not get you into Heaven, so much so that it seemed that doing good works was wrong. One particular message that I remember vividly, was about NOT donating money to charities- donate to God. I guess I understand the original concept behind this (not letting good works trick people into thinking they're going to Heaven) but the execution of it went a bit awry.

I let all these things get in the way of, and almost destroy, my faith in God and Jesus. But, No More!

I have deeply missed the comfort of believing in something, I have missed not being able to pray because I was afraid if I prayed something terrible would happen. If lukewarm Christianity was akin to dog vomit, then I would just be icy cold; but this hasn't worked for me either.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, book searching, Bible searching, Internet searching, and I think I'm ready to go back to church, to go back to God. I want to be challenged spiritually, but also challenged to be the best version of myself here on Earth.

For the first time in years I'm excited about my faith again. I still have a long way to go, a LONG way, before I'll be able to put aside the years I've spent putting up a wall against all things related to my Christian beliefs. But it's a start. A start that I felt important to share with you, Internet, on this first day of Lent.

I'm not giving anything up for Lent, instead I'm giving something to myself.

I'm going to pray.

I haven't said a real prayer in a long time but the "effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."  I really feel that the best way to restart my relationship 2.0, with Him, is to spend some time everyday with Him in an "effectual fervent prayer" and I'm hoping the righteous part will start to happen.

Middle of Nowhere, NC Again

So I am going to North Carolina again. I thought it would be a good change of pace, plus it’s for a good cause. The upside of it is that there is now internet!! Thank ye Lord above! This means I can blog, in shocking detail, the craziness that I will encounter at the quaint country church; i.e., the screaming minister jumping off stages, bellowing REPENT! REPENT! REPENT!

I don't know how long we're going to be there, but I'm looking forward to hanging out with the PGGP's. Hopefully I'll learn a few recipes and do some un-Katie like things. It's good to go outside of the box sometimes, and since my life is pretty predictable these days, I'm ready for something new.

We are leaving on Thursday, but not before I indulge in my hedonistic love of Kathy Griffin.
It should be a grand ole time, full of the crazy to which I seem to gravitate.

Old Time Religion Part 2

Today we went to church. Everyone was really nice to us, I can’t complain about that. And because I fear the wrath of God I don’t want to say anything negative about the experience, because they were really nice. Let me just say that fornication, AIDS as punishment for immorality, the disbelief in global warming, and the homosexuals polluting Earth, was just the tip of the iceberg. I grew up listening to this stuff, so it wasn’t a huge shock to hear it- the jarring part was the length of the service: 3 HOURS! I can only take so much hellfire and brimstone before I start twitching. I felt guilty about this involuntary jerking of mine because everyone was just so kind. Oh, the inner turmoil of my conflicted soul/psyche.


Despite all my complaining, I really am having a nice time here. All of my grandparents have passed on, but when I’m here, I feel the same way I used to feel around them. It’s such a nice and comfortable feeling that I miss so much. I think that's why I like Lifetime movies so much; my Mema and I always watched them together, or the Hallmark movies. Gran likes them too, and when we watch them together I feel closer to my Mema.

Old Time Religion

Written Saturday Night

Tomorrow we are going to church. Not just any old church, but Cun-tree Chur-urch. I was raised in a strict (but not legalistic or fundamentalist) Baptist family and it's been a blessing and a curse.  I didn't/don't always like what I was taught to believe but I can’t believe anything else.  No matter how much soul searching, religious researching, or faith questioning I do- I just can't really believe in something different.  Does that make sense?  Even during the times when I "believed" or thought I believed different things, in the back of my mind I couldn't escape or quiet that little voice who was screaming "this is WRONG."  

Which brings me to my current situation in my faith.  What do you do when you don't like what you believe?  I mean, I have a daughter out of wedlock, which is not exactly smiled upon.  And I have gay friends, which is most definitely not smiled upon.  And I drink wine, which there seems to be some wiggle room on, but still... And I like to dance, go to the movies, vampires, Santa Claus, I don't think Hurricane Katrina was a result of the Lord's wrath for the city's sins, and I often fall asleep while saying my prayers.  How do I reconcile all of that with what I was taught?  With what I believe?  If I do and believe all of that, how can I still actually believe what I believe?  

Maybe it's that I remember how I used to be and how I used to feel.  I lived in a mostly black and white world and now I only see shades of gray.  I guess it could have something to do with that "back then" I had a much stricter moral compass.  Although I wouldn't say my moral compass isn't strict now, it's just stricter in some areas and more lenient in others;  it's been re-calibrated.  But knowing what I know now, who I am now, and everything else that's happened, I just don't know if it's possible for me to ever get back that without a shadow of a doubt faith I used to have. And don't think I've forgotten that God spits out lukewarm Christians like dog vomit.  Which then makes me want to be icy cold, because at least then I'll be a little bit more safe. Right? No, I know that's not "right," and the whole thing starts all over again, getting me back to where I am now; stuck in this self-perpetuating cycle of doubt.  

It's not a good place to be. I hate seeing that look in the eyes of the very righteous that I’m the Whore of Babylon. It’s a strange look of “I’m not judging you because Jesus wouldn’t like that, you loose, loose woman.”  But I'm not really even talking about the people at my church, because they've been unbelievably supportive of me and Spencer. I just know that it's impossible to not see me as "that girl" now.  Mostly because that's how I often see myself. 

Where Do I Start?

Hi, I'm Katie, welcome to my first blog entry!

I was an almost success story until the day I found out I was "with child." Since then, I have become a single parent to an amazing and beautiful daughter- so this is my life, 2.0.

I don't know if I should give you my life story now, otherwise, the mystery will be gone and you might not want to read about me anymore :)


But in the interest of some basic disclosure, here are some "fun" facts so that you will know what's going on, thus far in "2.0, Katie's Life!" Okay, that was my first lie to you, Internet, they really aren't fun.

• I went to, and graduated from, The College of William and Mary
• I am PROUD PROUD PROUD mommy
• I am Sister in Kappa Kappa Gamma; So happy that I am a....
  
• My family is VERY Baptist. I was very Baptist as well, but for the past couple of years I've been having some crises of faith. I'm hoping to resolve this and find my way back again.
  
• I was in Law School when I got pregnant with my Baby
• I didn't get pregnant on purpose.
• I had dated Baby Daddy for years but it was not an ideal situation.
  
• I'm no longer in law school- the two just weren't compatible
• I don't know if I'm going to go back to LS, I feel like I've changed a lot since I've become a mother, and I'm not sure being a lawyer is what will make me happy, professionally speaking.
• I'm a single parent, no husband, or boyfriend. My parents, while initially despondent over "the end of my life," really have been such a tremendous help, and I couldn't have made this far without them.
• Baby's other grandparents are also very involved in her life as well as her Parental Great-Grandparents. (PGGP's)
• I still have great plans for my life; I don't think it's over because I chose to have a baby.
• I chose to have my Baby, but had it not been for the hiccups I might have done the other thing.
  
• No one wanted me to have her and I thought about maybe not having her, but at my doctor's appointment the tech told me the baby was having hiccups and they'd have to wait for them to stop to get an accurate reading. I get the hiccups all time, a few times a week, and it was in that moment that I knew she was mine. I burst into tears and got up and left.
  
• That was the day my life changed, February 13, 2007; I was at peace with my decision, I was resolved.
  
• And thank the Heavenly Father I had that resolve, because I needed it. It was NOT pretty when I told Baby Daddy I was keeping her.
• I broke my parents' hearts when I told them about the baby. But in that moment, the only thing that I could think was "I am a MOTHER," my job is to protect this little peanut who is making me puke every 10 minutes. Me, Katie, a mommy.
• I used to be a Republican, a hardcore Republican. But, I think that's changing.
• I worry a lot about failure now that I've let so many people down. I used to be the Golden Child, the Child of Promise, and I hate how people look at me now; like I've wasted my life, like I'm never going to amount to anything anymore. It keeps me trying from trying anything new- I don't think I could handle my parents being ashamed of me again.
  
• Despite the fact that Baby Daddy and I will never be a couple again, I really like, and get along well with his whole family, which is something that I feel is super important for Baby.
  
  

I think that's enough to get the ball rolling on my story. I'm just a single mother trying to be enough for my daughter.