I Just Had to Have ...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I Just Had to Have ...

In my old life I used to have the longest, epic length, Christmas lists, always ready and finished by Thanksgiving. I never expected to receive everything I wrote down I wanted, but that didn't stop me from creating the most outrageous lists you've ever seen. My mindset was ask and ye shall receive, which meant that if I didn't ask then I couldn't receive. I also didn't like forgetting that I wanted something, so my Christmas lists would morph into year round reminders of something I just had to have. I always hated when someone would ask me what I wanted for my birthday and my mind would draw a blank. I knew there were a gazillion things I just had to have, but I could never think of anything when asked on the spot. This probably should have been a big flashing light that I didn't need anything and already had way more than any one person should ever have- but it didn't. Wanting a certain bauble, etc., meant I had something to look forward to, or to work towards having. Things were my reward to myself. (oh, that sounds so sad, I can't believe I wrote it)

And while I'm now embarrassed about those long greedy lists, it turned out that all the stuff I'd been acquiring, and had no real use for, would became a huge part of mine and Spencer's income. Every time we needed money I would sell something that I just had to have three of four Christmases ago, but then never opened or forget I even owned. Now that Spencer is here, I started making two massive lists, one for me and one for her. At least I did. Until this year.

Up until yesterday I hadn't written down one thing that Spencer or I wanted for Christmas! I'd already bought my two big gifts for Spence, and just haven't had the time to really want anything for myself. There were some generic thoughts I had, like some new books and dvds, but nothing specific. My mom emailed me yesterday and said she needed my Christmas list. Well that has never happened, never ever, not once. Usually it's me hounding her, did you get my list, did you get my list? Do you like it? (my mom has not, and will not, buy me anything that she doesn't like or thinks is inappropriate (wine glasses, any kind of undergarments that are more fun than functional, anything that has to do with vampires, the occult, atheism, or demons- yes she refused to buy me Twilight), so her approval was/is a large part of the process). When I read her email, I saw the date and time stamp- December 7, 2009- 10am. My eyes bulged out of my head as I put two and two together- it was December 7 and not only had I yet to make a Christmas list, but I had no idea what I wanted. (Besides my camera, but I'm buying that for myself, I don't want anyone to give it to me)

Who are you and what have you have done with Katie? was racing through my mind. It's not that I particularly liked my old(er) overly materialistic ways, but I get scared when I see how I'm losing more and more of the old me. Even though it wasn't a wonderful characteristic trait, it was still me. And it's not that I don't like me now, but it's a very confining time in my life. I'm a single mother who goes to school and that's it - I don't have time for anything else. I never go out, I see my friends a few times a year, and I can go multiple days without having one adult conversation. And I wouldn't change a thing, I'm grateful to be able to stay home with Spencer and be back in school. But there are some days when I catch a glimpse of myself doing something I never would've done before- and I don't recognize myself, I don't see me- I see a stranger.

That's how I felt when I realized it had been almost two weeks since Thanksgiving and I hadn't even thought twice about Christmas actually being right around the corner. In the grand scheme of my evolution, these lists and all they represent aren't all that significant. But when you combine a few insignificant changes, all of a sudden there's a very significant difference- it just sneaks up on you before you realize what's happened.

Of course it never takes me too long to find loads of things I just have to have, ha! I did some searching and was able to make a respectable list, but there wasn't that thrill I used to have when crafting my outrageous requests, looking for the perfect must-haves. I'm not going to tell you how many things I decided I just had to have this year, or in years gone by, but I did some figure calculations and arrived with this tidbit: I asked for 451% less this year than I did last year and 553% less than the year before that. (I keep all my lists online, that's how I know how many items were on each list)

Four HUNDRED and fifty one percent less than last year.

And let me restate, I did NOT get everything I asked for, not even close. And I knew when I was making my lists I wouldn't be receiving even 20%, but it was fun for me to dream about. Maybe this is me finally growing up and becoming a more mature, not so pie-in-the-sky, life-is-not-a-tv-show, more realistic person. Or maybe I'm finally seeing just how crazy I was about acquiring stuff, how I over indulged my inner Material Girl way too much. Either way, I'm definitely in uncharted waters.

So here are some of my favorite items on my new, much much shorter, much less expensive list. And to emphasize this frugality of mine, ha ha, the most expensive thing on here is only $38! If you are so inclined, click on the pictures and they will take you to the site.