My Ministry

This week's Show Us Your Life is a little bit of a departure from our normal carefree bits about how we live.  Everyone has a secret struggle and often times we hide these fears and painful difficulties. Most of us are all burdened in some way or another and we frequently keep it to ourselves.  I want to be a source of encouragement for those who are experiencing similar situations and I want to show other women that even in our darkest hour, He will not  leave our side. I am a single mother and that is my ministry.

I don't think any little girl grows up thinking she wants to be a single parent, or at least I didn't.  That was something I never pictured for myself- couldn't even have imagined it would ever happen to me.  I grew up in a strict Christian home, went to church three times a week, plus youth group, choir and Bible study and had a very real personal relationship with Jesus. My best friend was/is my pastor's daughter and my boyfriend was her brother- the pastor's son. All I ever wanted was to marry him and have lots of babies. We dated for almost ten years, from the age of 13 to 22, and when we broke up I was beyond heart broken.  I couldn't, and didn't, go to church because seeing him was too difficult for me and I was in college- there were a million other things I could be doing on Sundays besides going to church.  I guess it didn't take too long for me start living completely for myself.  I was angry with God for so many things and it was just easier to hide from Him rather than facing and dealing with everything.

I began dating someone new, someone who was not a Christian.  But he was a lot fun and nothing like my ex boyfriend, which was exactly what I wanted then.  I never planned on us having a long term relationship, I thought he was just my rebound guy.  Or at least that's what everyone told me, I'd only dated one person in my life, so I'd never had a rebound relationship.  But then a few weeks turned into months and then into years.  It started off like smelling like roses and I quickly forgot all about my shattered heart.  And then things changed, the newness wore off, and the real personality emerged. But by then it was too late, I had fallen in love with someone who didn't really exist and I thought if I could just be a better, more perfect version of myself, that I could get him to be who I thought he was. It became an unhealthy relationship and we were quite the dysfunctional couple.  I thought I was in love with him though and I made excuses to myself for why I should still be with him.

And then my life really fell apart.  My beloved Mema passed away completely unexpectedly during my first week at a top tier law school.  Just four months later my invincible, genius, top neurologist in the world, dad was diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer- Non-Hodgkin Small B-Cell Lymphoma, specifically Small Lymphocytic Lymphoma. I couldn't breathe, every second of every day was more painful than the one before it.  I couldn't fathom what God trying to do to me and I became so angry with Him.  My faith had already been on shaky grounds and when all of this happened it became practically nonexistent.

When I found out I was pregnant I was in my second year of law school.  I had worked so hard for my perfect future and my whole perfectly imagined life was in front me.  I had everything to lose and nothing to be gained from having a baby.  (Or at least that's what I thought)  Her father did not want me to keep the baby and for awhile I was miserably waffling about what I should do.  My parents would be devastated and my life as I'd dreamed it would be over.  I didn't choose the easy road.  I could have done what he wanted and gone on about my life as if nothing had ever happened- no one would know and and no one would ever have to think any less of me because I wouldn't have to drop out of law school and become an unwed single mother.  But I couldn't do it.  The chances of me becoming pregnant were slim, like so slim, and I knew that there must be a reason or a higher purpose for this baby that was growing in my tummy. 

I didn't have a decision to make, my baby was my only choice.  The next eight months were the worst of my life.  I really don't even like to think about that time because it makes me sick to my stomach. I'd always been the kind of child that my parents were (mostly) proud of- they were eager to share my accomplishments with their friends/co-workers/anyone who would listen, had impossibly high hopes and expectations for my future, and always pushed me to succeed in everything I did. While my personal life left much to be desired by my mother, she often overlooked it because of how well I did in my educational/professional life. And then it all changed; pride was replaced with shame and embarrassment. It took me my mom months before she was able to go back to church; I had humiliated her and she was ashamed of me.

For the first few months, (5 to be exact) I hid indoors. I only told one other person and basically was cut off from the world. My parents didn't want to tell my grandparents, so I wasn't allowed to go to any family functions. Who knows how long that would've gone if it hadn't of been for my Grandma passing away when I was six months along. There was no way my parents could explain my absence from her funeral, so they were forced to tell the rest of my family. It was their reactions to the news, which were so unexpectedly supportive and encouraging that I think it gave my parents, my mother in particular, a different perspective. My Grandpa said "We lost our girl (meaning my Grandma) but God's given us another one."

But I don't want to give the impression that I deserved better. My mom had invested her life in making sure my dreams could and would come true. Countless hours and thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars were spent on my behalf, as an investment in my future. And then I threw it all away as if it meant nothing. My mom now saw her life as a waste, everything she'd done and sacrificed was now worthless. She was devastated and mourning the life she thought I would have. And I understand that because I was also mourning the life I had worked so hard to have. It took me awhile to fully come to terms with the new direction I was on and to say goodbye to the old hopes and dreams. It would have been very different if this hadn't had been something I did to myself, something I chose to do. I made the conscious choice to go ahead with my pregnancy and have my daughter when I could have made a different decision. I could have gone on my merry way, deluding myself that nothing had changed.   But I didn't.  And I thank the Lord daily for my precious daughter.

My church was unbelievably supportive of me, even when I couldn't gather the courage to show my face and walk through their doors.  The ladies gave me a baby shower and my best friend's mother gave the devotion.  The verses she read changed my outlook on everything, as if a blindfold had been removed from my eyes. Psalm 139:13-17:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!  How vast is the sum of them!

I had been hiding from everyone, but mostly from God.  The only reason I was having a baby was because of something I did wrong; because of a sin I committed.  But out of my sin He created something beautiful.  He formed her in my womb and He saw her and the life she would have before time even began.  This was the beginning, the first of many, turning points in my road to redemption; I stopped hiding and began thanking.

She has changed my life, for sure, but more importantly she's made me a better person.  I used to be very self-involved; I was the axis point about which the world revolved.  Since becoming a mother it's as if the floodgates of my empathy have opened up. I have a new purpose in my life.  It helps me get through the rough days- to know that my daughter is the greatest gift this world has to offer me and I need to be up to the task.  And now that I'm two and half years into this wonderfully unexpected journey, I'm still alive!  I don't see myself as a failure anymore and I hope that any other single mother in a similar circumstance can see that better days are ahead.  I wasted so much time hiding and being miserable because I hated seeing how people now looked at me- and I wish I could get that time back.

One of the most difficult things about being a Christian single mother is that there's not much hope for the kind of marriage I'd always dreamed of having.  I'm still working on that, still trying to trust and believe that all things are going to work out together for good.  But I have good days and bad days and every day presents new challenges as well as opportunities.  I'm working on seeing the opportunities instead of focusing on the obstacles.  I try to be a source of encouragement to other single mothers- to let them know that they can do this! I still have struggles with my faith, but it's something I work on daily. One of the real changing points was last year when I felt I really needed to do something to jump start my relationship with the Lord and I decided I would pray every day of Lent instead of giving up something. I can't begin to tell you the transformation this had on my hardened heart.  I'm still far from where I want to be and I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm getting there, slowly but surely.  Over on my sidebar and in the upper menu tabs you can find links to previous posts where I write about how I've worked through and managed everything, from faith, to finances to family.

Before I had my daughter, before I become a parent- I had no real appreciation for just how precious life is; and now it's something I think about daily.  I am so grateful for my daughter and for how being her mother has made me want to be a person worthy of her. No, this isn't the life I imagined for myself, but having Spencer in my life has made it infinitely better than anything in my wildest dreams.

Bullet Point Monday

I have a lot going on today, so I have to bring back the bullet points.  For some reason it's a lot easier (and quicker) to write out my thoughts this way rather than in real sentence/paragraph form- even though my bullet points are always complete sentences and usually become a mini paragraph unto themselves.  Go figure.  So here it goes!

• I have a test tonight in Sociology.  I'm not too concerned, but I missed class last week because I was sick and I never like to take a test when I've missed the preceding class.  But since our notes are on Blackboard I have no excuse for not taking the test or doing well on it.
• Yesterday my aunt took Spencer and I to Ruby Tuesdays for lunch since my parents were out of town with my brother.  Because we had on red (for Valentine's Day) we each got a $5 off coupon for the next time we eat there!
• I made Spencer brownies from scratch in the shape of hearts for the yesterday.  They turned out quite delicious, but now all she can talk about is wanting to eat chocolate cake.  Ex. Me:  Holiday of Love Spencer, what would you like for breakfast?  Her:  Chocolate cake. This afternoon- Me:  I'm making macaroni and cheese for lunch.  Her:  No.  I want chocolate cake!  Me:  After you eat your lunch.  Her:  No No No No No!!  Chocolate cake then cheese!  Pweese! 
• I can't get enough of the Olympics and especially Apolo Ohno!  I cry every during ever single montage.  I could not control the water works when Alex Bilodeau won Canada's first ever gold medal at a home Olympics.  And it got worse when he said he did it for his brother, who has cerebral palsy and can hardly walk.  He talked about what an inspiration his big brother was to him and how he never complains about his lot in life  Then it turned into a full on, I need a tissue type of crying, when they panned onto the crowd and you see his brother standing at the finish line crying cheering like crazy, just as Alex runs up to him and they hug.  Seriously, if you didn't watch it last night, you can read about it here. But grab a tissue because it's a tear jerker!
• I got the best comment from my bloggy friend Sarah the other night and it made my day.  It was regarding my new Olympic Crush, Apolo (We're on a first name basis).  She wrote "I hope he reads your blog and takes you out for dinner :)"  Awww!   
• And now for your enjoyment and amusement- a picture of me, circa 1990, at my ice skating recital- where I had a teeny tiny solo moment, which seemed HUGE to my 8 year old self.  (Don't laugh too much!)

Some Things Never Change, Like Pink Ink

One of Spencer's favorite things to do is plunder through things that she shouldn't.  The other day she found a box of my old journals and dumped them all on the floor.  I rarely go back and reread the things I wrote when I was in high school and college- more like never- or else I start feeling haunted by my future.  But as I was putting them away, I flipped through a few pages of one from my sophomore year of high school and I saw a list of my New Year's Resolutions, circa 1998.

And oddly enough, not much has changed.  I was even kinda impressed with the resolutions of my 16 year old self.  Although, I definitely did not need to lose 15 llbs.

These are still the same things I'm trying to do now, 12 years later. (How scary is that?! I was 16 twelve years ago!)  Of course I now write out the word love, instead of a heart, but I'm still writing in the same pink ink with the same Pilot Precise Rollerball pen. But it was nice to be reminded again that the old young Katie and the new old Katie are not so different.  And that's a good thing.

I Just Had to Have ...

In my old life I used to have the longest, epic length, Christmas lists, always ready and finished by Thanksgiving. I never expected to receive everything I wrote down I wanted, but that didn't stop me from creating the most outrageous lists you've ever seen. My mindset was ask and ye shall receive, which meant that if I didn't ask then I couldn't receive. I also didn't like forgetting that I wanted something, so my Christmas lists would morph into year round reminders of something I just had to have. I always hated when someone would ask me what I wanted for my birthday and my mind would draw a blank. I knew there were a gazillion things I just had to have, but I could never think of anything when asked on the spot. This probably should have been a big flashing light that I didn't need anything and already had way more than any one person should ever have- but it didn't. Wanting a certain bauble, etc., meant I had something to look forward to, or to work towards having. Things were my reward to myself. (oh, that sounds so sad, I can't believe I wrote it)

And while I'm now embarrassed about those long greedy lists, it turned out that all the stuff I'd been acquiring, and had no real use for, would became a huge part of mine and Spencer's income. Every time we needed money I would sell something that I just had to have three of four Christmases ago, but then never opened or forget I even owned. Now that Spencer is here, I started making two massive lists, one for me and one for her. At least I did. Until this year.

Up until yesterday I hadn't written down one thing that Spencer or I wanted for Christmas! I'd already bought my two big gifts for Spence, and just haven't had the time to really want anything for myself. There were some generic thoughts I had, like some new books and dvds, but nothing specific. My mom emailed me yesterday and said she needed my Christmas list. Well that has never happened, never ever, not once. Usually it's me hounding her, did you get my list, did you get my list? Do you like it? (my mom has not, and will not, buy me anything that she doesn't like or thinks is inappropriate (wine glasses, any kind of undergarments that are more fun than functional, anything that has to do with vampires, the occult, atheism, or demons- yes she refused to buy me Twilight), so her approval was/is a large part of the process). When I read her email, I saw the date and time stamp- December 7, 2009- 10am. My eyes bulged out of my head as I put two and two together- it was December 7 and not only had I yet to make a Christmas list, but I had no idea what I wanted. (Besides my camera, but I'm buying that for myself, I don't want anyone to give it to me)

Who are you and what have you have done with Katie? was racing through my mind. It's not that I particularly liked my old(er) overly materialistic ways, but I get scared when I see how I'm losing more and more of the old me. Even though it wasn't a wonderful characteristic trait, it was still me. And it's not that I don't like me now, but it's a very confining time in my life. I'm a single mother who goes to school and that's it - I don't have time for anything else. I never go out, I see my friends a few times a year, and I can go multiple days without having one adult conversation. And I wouldn't change a thing, I'm grateful to be able to stay home with Spencer and be back in school. But there are some days when I catch a glimpse of myself doing something I never would've done before- and I don't recognize myself, I don't see me- I see a stranger.

That's how I felt when I realized it had been almost two weeks since Thanksgiving and I hadn't even thought twice about Christmas actually being right around the corner. In the grand scheme of my evolution, these lists and all they represent aren't all that significant. But when you combine a few insignificant changes, all of a sudden there's a very significant difference- it just sneaks up on you before you realize what's happened.

Of course it never takes me too long to find loads of things I just have to have, ha! I did some searching and was able to make a respectable list, but there wasn't that thrill I used to have when crafting my outrageous requests, looking for the perfect must-haves. I'm not going to tell you how many things I decided I just had to have this year, or in years gone by, but I did some figure calculations and arrived with this tidbit: I asked for 451% less this year than I did last year and 553% less than the year before that. (I keep all my lists online, that's how I know how many items were on each list)

Four HUNDRED and fifty one percent less than last year.

And let me restate, I did NOT get everything I asked for, not even close. And I knew when I was making my lists I wouldn't be receiving even 20%, but it was fun for me to dream about. Maybe this is me finally growing up and becoming a more mature, not so pie-in-the-sky, life-is-not-a-tv-show, more realistic person. Or maybe I'm finally seeing just how crazy I was about acquiring stuff, how I over indulged my inner Material Girl way too much. Either way, I'm definitely in uncharted waters.

So here are some of my favorite items on my new, much much shorter, much less expensive list. And to emphasize this frugality of mine, ha ha, the most expensive thing on here is only $38! If you are so inclined, click on the pictures and they will take you to the site.

Canon Deluxe 200 Tripod - $33

Solden Scarf in Red from Anthropologie - $38

Tra La La French Holiday Girls Hat - $19 (This one is for Spencer!)

100% Natural Angora Gloves, Handmade, $12 and all the proceeds go to charity

Quilted Damask Train/Cosmetic Case - $22

Smashbox - Wish For the Perfect Pout - a $96 valued set for only $29

The Guinea Pig Diaries: My Life as an Experiment , by A.J. Jacobs - $16.50

Answers to Your Questions, Part One

About two weeks ago I wrote this post and said that if there was anything left you wanted to know, email and ask me and I'd do a question and answer post. I finally got a chance to answer the majority of the questions ya'll sent me, but there will be a part two since this was getting so lengthy! I really enjoyed reading your questions and I hope I've fully answered your questions. Okay, so let's get on to it.

Does your mom read your blog?

No! She knows I have one, but that's it. She doesn't have the address and even if she did, she still wouldn't read it. I just don't think I could be really open and honest if I knew mu mom was reading. Not because I'm hiding anything from her, we speak every day, but there's something different about her reading my written words- it reminds me of all the times she read my diaries/journals in my youth (and then all the subsequent groundings). It took me almost a year of blogging before I even let many of my IRL friends know about this blog. It may sound strange, but I'm much more comfortable with strangers reading my site than people I actually know.

Is Spencer's father around or in the picture?

Um, I don't like to write about him for a variety of reasons- this blog is about our life (mine and Spencer's) and I just don't feel comfortable writing about him in a public manner. So this may have given the impression that he's not in our lives at all. But he's "around" sometimes. She usually sees him when we visit her grandparents.



What kind of camera and lenses do you have?

My camera is Canon Rebel XTi and I shoot with the lens that came with the camera and also a Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II lens.


What photo editor do you use?

I mostly use Photoshop, but sometimes Picnik comes in handy for small fixes that are more difficult to correct in PS. When I first got my camera I bought Photoshop Elements 6 and learned on that program. For any beginners and self-teachers, I recommend that you start off with a PS Elements program rather than the full blown Creative Suite PS. It's much easier to learn on, has more automatic features, and is relatively inexpensive. I compare it to cameras- your first camera is always a point and shoot. If you like taking pictures, you learn as much as you can from that one before deciding to buy an SLR.

I used PS Elements 6 for about a year and then decided it was time for an upgrade. There was no way I could afford to buy a new PS CS4, but I found a used older version on Craigslist and became the proud owner of Photpshop CS3 for only $75. (And I made sure that it wasn't a pirated version before I bought it, it was the actual purchased program.) I really love the CS3, but if I had bought it first, I would have had no idea what was going on or what to do.


How do you financially support Spencer?

This is a long one, so prepare yourself!

With a lot of help from my parents. We live in my Mema's old house, which is now technically my mom's, so that means I don't have a rent or mortgage payment. I have Etsy and Ebay stores and make money that way. I also do some odd jobs, like photo sessions for people, pet sit, house sit, and do research work for a small newspaper. I'm lucky in that I used to have the Life of Riley and was able to accumulate a lot stuff (combined with the fact that I'm a pack rat, borderline hoarder) that was worth a fair amount of money. When I'm in a pinch I just sell of my belongings! I used to have multiple Coach, Kate Spade, and Dooney bags, plus some Guccis that I picked up in at an outlet in Italy. Now I just have one of each and none of the Gucci bags. Plus I had many ball gowns, size 4 Lilly dresses, sunglasses, and an impressive collection of watches. Most of that is all gone now, I only have one pair of shades, two formal gowns (that I will never wear again, but still can't part with), and my red D&G watch that I bought at the outlet in Italy. But don't worry, I'll never run out of things to sell, I haven't even touched my shoe, coat, or other jewelry collection! So all of that was able to give me quite a nice chunk of change, which has definitely come in handy.

I'd say that a lot of how I manage to stay fiscally afloat is due to spending sacrifices. Gone are the days of hair cuts and colors every 6 weeks, pedicures twice a month, sprees at Target and Sephora, hard back books, and going to the movie theater. I would never say that I do without, because there are certainly so many people out there that actually Do Without, but I do with a whole less than I once did! I now borrow books or buy them used, go to the thrift store, use a ton of coupons, paint my own toe nails and use hair color from a box, watch movies at someone else's house, eat Spencer's leftovers, and wear the same outfits over and over again, Basically, I used to be a Someone Else Do It For Me and I'll Pay You type of person. Now, I'm mostly a Do It Myself or Maybe Not at All type of person.

But in all honesty, it's because of my parents that I can give Spencer this life. I would never have been able to do without them. In the beginning they paid for everything regarding Spencer, from diapers, to organic food, to BPA free bottles. We lived with them for a year and I had a roof over my head, free meals, and access to all the OnDemand movies I could watch! Now, I buy everything Spencer needs and pay many of our bills, but they still pay for her very expensive health insurance and a few other things when I can't swing it all by myself. Let's just say I've racked up a pretty impressive IOU with them!

So how do I support Spencer? Frugal living, selling my worldly possessions, Etsy and Ebay, odd jobs, wise spending choices, and a lot of help from my parents.


How do you pronounce Mema and Papa?

Mee Maw and Paw Paw


I'm also a makeup junkie, Sephora loving kinda girl. What are your favorite must haves essentials?

I'm fairly certain that I could easily spend thousands of dollars in 30 minutes at my personal Mecca, Sephora. I want everything in there! But it's also quite pricey, so I never go anymore unless I'm armed with a gift certificate. For my birthday this year, both my aunt and Spencer's PGPs gave me Sephora gift cards and I got to do some shopping!

One of things I love about that store is their return policy- you can bring anything back, even if it's been used, if you don't like it and exchange it for something else. I've never actually done it, but I find it comforting to know I can, haha!

Okay, so my favorite must have essential items are: Fiberwig Mascara in black, Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Blunt (but Baked is a really good summer color), NARS blush in Orgasm, MAC Fluidline Eyeliner in Blacktrack (but you can't buy MAC at Sephora), and Bliss Fabulous Foaming Face Wash cleanser and exfoliator. Those are my have to haves, or really want to haves! I don't usually wear foundation because my skin doesn't need it all that much, but when I do wear, my favorite is Smashbox's High Definition Foundation in Fair 01. I also really like MAC's Fix Powder, but I brush it on because it can look a little heavy (which is great for bad skin days).


So that's it for round one, if I haven't gotten to your question. don't fret, I will get Part Two out very shortly!

You Have a Question, I Have an Answer and More

In honor of my 28th birthday: I give you a list of the most random 28 things about me that I've never written about before. Since I think I've blogged about most aspects of my life on here, making this list was really hard, I had to dig deep for some of them, ha! Ya'll know almost everything about me, hence the randomness of the list, but I think I managed to do it!

1. I am very claustrophobic. It started when I was on a ride at a theme park and when it was over, both my seat and shoulder harnesses wouldn't open. There was some "mechanical difficulty" and I couldn't get out. To make matters worse, in trying to free me, the ride operators accidentally pushed down on my shoulder hardness too hard- just enough to make it click down a notch and get stuck there, and it very hard for me to breath. The whole incident only lasted around five minutes, but it was long enough to make me forever claustrophobic.
2. Oddly enough, I still love all roller coasters and theme park rides, I'm not afraid to ride anything. But put me in a small elevator, or a large one with a lot of people, and I break out in a sweat- mentally preparing my escape route should something happen.
3. In high school and college I would always wear my glasses when I wanted to be taken seriously at things like Model UN Conferences, job interviews, meetings with professors, traffic court, and whenever I had to give a speech or presentation. (It worked like a charm)
4. I can do a very impressive British accent. During one Model UN conference, I pretended I was from England for four entire days! My team was the UK delegation and my accent ( coupled with an extensive background story, complete with British pop culture, common idioms, and slang) gave us a huge edge over the competition. I never dropped the accent, even when we were in the hotel room, because I didn't want to get out of the habit. And let me tell you, it was HARD to stop talking that way when the conference was over. I thought my friends and family were going to kill me.
5. I get very car sick driving in the mountains, but nowhere else. Well, unless the person driving is an accelerate-break kind of driver, and then I'm a mess.
6. I've never had stitches.
   
7. Although I did have staples for my c-section, but that's it.
8. I'm allergic to almost every antibiotic in existence. One very bad reaction when I was a kid landed me in the hospital on IV steroids. I have to be really, really sick for the doctors to prescribe me one because they don't want me to build up an immunity to the only ones I can take.
   
9. I love to drive. Long road trips all by myself, listening to my iPod, NPR, or an audio book is how I like it.
10. I can still walk on my hands across a room.
11. I had (have) my high school's record for the sit-n-reach. I can also put both legs behind my head.
12. During my teenage rebellious years I pierced my own ears when my parents wouldn't let me get a second earring hole. Once I saw how much I liked the second one, I got brave and did a third and fourth one in my left ear a few months later. I eventually let those close up, but I still have the second holes. And none of them ever became infected!
13. I was grounded for that incident for a LOOONG time.
14. I met James Brown on a trip to New York while eating dessert at the Plaza Hotel. He wore a gold lamé suit and was so nice, he even took pictures with us.
15. I don't like ice cream. I'll eat it on some things, but I never crave it. And when I do eat it, it's only vanilla.
16. I would love to live a small town, with twinkle lights on the trees, and little local shops you can walk to- where there's an actual community instead of suburban sprawl. Let me know if you know where one of these towns exists, please!
17. I love crossword puzzles but I hate sudoku,
18. I know all the of the US Presidents in the order of their terms. When I can't sleep I go through them all.
19. If that doesn't work I name the US states and their capitals by order of their entrance into the Union. Then I do it alphabetically.
20. After watching two of my grandparents suffer from Alzheimer's, I'm terrified of it happening to me. That's why I do many crossword puzzles and mental activities that exercises the brain.
21. My favorite one to do, and the most difficult, is to turn one hand clock-wise while also turning the opposite foot counter-clockwise. So right hand turns right and left foot turns left- and then you switch them. It took me awhile to be able to do it!
22. I am a firm believer in high thread count sheets. They are a little costly, but they last forever and get better with age. I never buy anything less than 500, but I prefer 800. It's the one real luxury I allow myself these days.
23. I didn't have curly hair until I was around 8 or 9 years old. Before that it was stick straight and would NOT even hold a curl. I could sleep in rollers all night long (which I did many times) with loads of hair spray, and within two hours it would be straight again. Then it just changed, becoming a frizzy mess first, then wavy-ish, and finally curly.
24. And then after all those years of wanting naturally curly hair, it happened; which of course meant I wanted straight hair again. I shudder to think of all the money and hours I spent over the years on straightening products and hair straightners- trying to tame my super thick, very stubborn hair into submission, before finally embracing the curls.
25. I've gotten 3 speeding tickets, the last of which was my senior year of college.
    
26. But I've never successfully been convicted of speeding. I appealed my way out of one and for the other two I found legal technicalities to argue my way out it. For one of them I requested the police officer's radar calibration records and it turned out he hadn't calibrated it at the beginning of his shift. I probably wouldn't have gone to such great lengths if it weren't for the fact that my mom said she'd take me off of their car insurance if I ever got a speeding ticket on my record.
27. I have never found a four leaf clover.
28. And finally... When I first watched The Wizard of Oz (age 4) I became terrified of becoming a "dwarve," ( a dwarf, or little person) as I called it. I thought I would stop growing and be like the Munchkins. For at least a year, every night, I'd make my mom promise me that I wouldn't stop growing , that I wouldn't be like the Munchkins.

Whew, I am tired- if you made it through that list I'm pretty impressed. I've been thinking about doing a question and answer post for a long time now. So if this lengthy list of Katie Randomness didn't answer your question for/about me, please ask in the comments! I'll answer all your questions in a post later on this week. Since there are some things I just don't write about on this blog, if I don't feel comfortable with a public answer, I'll send it to you in an email. So feel free to ask all those questions you've been wanting to know :)

The Day Before the First Day of School

To me, Labor Day has always meant the last day of summer vacation, the day before school starts, and the beginning of fall. I guess this technically changed when I started college, but I didn't really notice or pay attention to it because we still had classes on that day. It wasn't until my first post-graduation Labor Day that I felt sad- it no longer represented what it once did.

I know a lot of states start school sometime during August, but in Virginia, when I was of the "school aged," we had something known as the Kings Dominion Law. It mandated that public schools were not allowed to start the year before Labor Day- in large part because of the tourism industry.
I've always loved going back to school, school supply shopping, and getting my new school year wardrobe. It was something I was so ready for by the beginning of every August. There was never any dread about starting school again, just the anticipation of all the great things I imagined would happen that year. I could never sleep the night before, even more so than on Christmas Eve. (Isn't that crazy?) My dad took me to breakfast every year on the first day, even in high school when we had to get up at 5am because my ride was picking me up at 6:30. (Yes, I was too cool for the bus by the 9th grade).

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who have nothing but glorious memories of my formal schooling years. I guess I'm doubly lucky that I have nothing but the same memories of college, too! But that's beside the point. Erma Bombeck once said "There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child." And how true is that? I've spent every year since I stopped believing in Santa Claus trying to recreate that magic- the magic I once felt. But I also think there's something very sad about waking up on Labor Day and knowing that you aren't going to have your first day of school tomorrow. That those years have passed, this is now an ordinary day, and tomorrow the school supplies will all go on sale.

I'm sure when Spencer starts kindergarten the same feelings will return, but I can't think about that now because it makes me teary. I know people always say that some of the Christmas magic returns when your children start believing in Santa, so I'm hoping the same thing applies to this craziness I feel about the first day of school! Sometimes I can't believe that era of my life is over- it will never happen again- it just doesn't make sense to me. When I was growing up I always remember adults telling me to enjoy my youth because it goes by too fast. I used to think they were nuts, because I was enjoying my youth! And now I think that might have been really bad advice, because I loved my youth so much that it's really, impossibly hard for me to let go of.


I've always thought it's unfair that we're young for such a short period of time and then old for the rest of our lives. Now that I'm getting older my definition of old is of course changing a bit, haha, but the day is going to come when there will be no about it- I'll be old. (The Lord willing.) And it's days like today that remind me of how fleeting this whole thing is. One of the Bible verses that's always haunted me is James 14:4 - You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. And there's nothing I can control about that.

Today is my bestie's birthday and we celebrated as we have done every year, reminiscing about old times and the good old days while wondering about our futures. A song came on the radio from that time, reminding us of our youth, and suddenly the memories came flooding back of the angsty days gone by. And I was happy. As much as I loved my youth, I'm looking forward to what's still to come. There are still the feelings of butterflies and anticipation about the tomorrows in my life. I'm so lucky that I have such wonderful memories but I'm even more thankful for all the ones I still have to make.

Happy Birthday Sara!

High School

College

And Beyond!

Show Us Your Life - My Baby Shower

This week on Kelly's Korner Show Us Your Life, the topic is baby showers. My baby shower was given to me by my best friend Sara. She did such an amazing job, especially when it came all the weird things I wanted and didn't want (Like the Chik-Fil-A chicken nuggets I had to have!) Unfortunately, I was on my death bed with a 102 degree fever and I felt a little better than I expect to feel right before I die!

Even though I was so sick, it was still wonderful, the best day of pregnancy. It was the only time my mom was nice to me for more than 50% of the day and the only day I didn't cry- not even once! It was what I had been waiting for - a day to celebrate the upcoming arrival of my precious little girl rather than hiding away in my parent's house.

This was over two years ago, so making onesies at a baby shower was still a novel idea! Everyone made Spencer a onesie and they were all so cute.





Didn't my friends do a great job? I still have all the little outfits, they meant so much to me!

Sara made the cupcakes! I was so impressed, especially since she had so much to do to get ready. They were delicious, funfetti cupcakes- my absolute favorite.

Spencer still has that Care Bear!





I think I smiled more that day than I had in the previous 8 months combined.

That's me opening up my presents. (That's my mom on the right)
I never would have guessed that day that I'd be having Spencer in less than two weeks! During my pregnancy, Sara was my ROCK, without her, I'd have been lost. I am so lucky to have had such an amazing friend. Even now, two years later, I'm still filled with gratitude for all she did for me.

**More Show You How I Live Posts**

Favorite Vacation Spot
I Have a Child. The Jig is Up.
Here Comes the Maid Of Honor

I Have a Child. The Jig Is Up.

This week on Kelly's Korner Blog Carnival, (it used to be Show Us Your Home) the topic is wedding dresses. Well, I haven't gotten to wear a wedding dress yet. Since I have a baby, I'm pretty sure that if I ever do get married, my dress will look nothing like the one I'd envisioned before the kiddo. I still want to wear a beautiful dress, I just don't think it would be appropriate to wear the big, white, 50 foot long train (haha), poufy but still classic dress I thought I was going to wear.

In my head, or fantasy land, I always envisioned myself in a Grace Kelly-esque (a little more modern though) dress.


The reality, was more like this. I would have loved to wear a dress like this- it seems so romantic and beautiful.

This is the back of that dress


Now, I think I'd like to wear something like this. It doesn't look to I'm a trying to be a blushing-bride-without-a-child, at least I don't think it does! I think I would probably like to have little caplet sleeves and have it be a little more ivory and a lot less white. Like as least white as possible, while still being ivory-ish. The last thing I'd want someone to say (besides Doesn't she look fat?) is Why is she wearing white?

I can't wait to see some of ya'lls dresses, I'm sure there are some really fantastic ones! Oh, and the title is a SATC quote that's always made me laugh.

The List

I was going through some of my old college disks yesterday, trying to put the data on CD's, when I stumbled on the funniest thing. It was a list I made throughout all four years of school, called "My Perfect Man." Every time I thought of something I liked, or didn't like, I would add it to my list. There is an obvious progression in taste and maturity, but some of things I wrote down were just laugh out loud funny.


I'm going to post a few of them today, maybe more tomorrow, if I can ever get over the embarrassment of having actually thought that was what I wanted in a man or having actually thought that one might do some of those things.

• Lets me watch Felicity, even when it conflicts with a sporting event (obviously the days before DVRs)
• Will buy me tampons without griping
• Does NOT wear seersucker or linen, unless we are super rich and in the Hamptons, or pop his collar when wearing polo shirts
• Does NOT wear saggy pants with exposed underwear
  
• Enjoys a good debate/argument without getting nasty
• Mows the lawn
• Doesn't expect his son be a Jr., because that's never going to happen
  
• Cries at appropriate times, but isn't a cry baby
• Plays the guitar or another comparable instrument
  
• Does NOT hit on my friends

The sad thing about my list, is that these are the least embarrassing things I wanted in a guy! The majority of my likes and dislikes came from things I had experienced with past boyfriends. If they did something I liked, I put it on the list as something I wanted in the future. After we'd end things, I think of everything I didn't like and put it on the list.


At the top I wrote "Any potential mate must be in compliance with at least 70%." Let me just say, if any man could ever meet this 70% requirement, he'd have to be genetically engineered- or a robot! What's even more comical, is that I never, not even once, used this list as some sort of guideline in my dating choices. It just made me feel better to know that "one day" I would have high standards.


What are some embarrassing things you used to think you wanted in a potential life partner? Are any of them as ridiculous or as shallow as the things on my list? Youth is such a funny thing!

Life Categories

It always intrigues me as to how people categorize their lives. It seems that most people use one or two ways to define a certain period of time- my aunt does it with her cars. If you ask her about a certain period of time, she will say something like "well, I was driving the white Honda then, so that was May of '95."

I am entirely different. Depending on my mood, or when you ask me, or what your asking me about, I use all different categories and phases. There's the obvious, before and after Spencer, but that's so recent to me, there are still 25 years before that, that need some sort of organization.

After Spencer, there is before and after my MeMa died. She passed away during my first week of law school, completely unexpectedly. It's a day I would love to forget, but every second of it is etched into my brain. We were waiting for her at church on Sunday and she was late; my Mema was never late. My mom was worried and we sat outside of church waiting for her to drive up. My Dad drove over to her house and when she didn't answer the door, he broke in and found her in her bedroom. She had died the night before of a massive heart attack, all alone, except for her dog Gus.

Gus, the dog we inherited.

My Mema was a huge part of my life, she had lived in the house behind us for my entire childhood. When she died, I felt like my world had shifted. She had the personality most like me and I was the only person who she let tell her what to do. I would have to say that her death had the biggest impact on my life, except for Spencer, and I tend to automatically put things in the "before or after" she died.

Next on the list is what perfume I was wearing. Weird, huh? I'm one of those people who wears a scent for a certain period of time and then retires it. I wore CK One for all of the 8th and 9th grade, after that it was Curve, then Glow, l'eau par kenzo, Light Blue, and finally Coco Mademoiselle. Whenever I smell one of these fragrances, I immediately go back to that period of my life. Right off the top of my head, I know that I wore Light Blue during Italy and for my Junior year of College.

After the perfume category, it's on to coats. I tend to do the same thing with coats that I do with perfume, I wear one for a certain period of time and then I retire it to the salvation army. The red faux fur coat, I wore for three years in a row in college- it was like my signature item. These are all the coats I've worn (there are more, I just couldn't find any pictures of them).

There are few other, like before and after my first dog Dusty died. I got her for my 5th birthday and she died the day after I got back from my mission trip to Peru. She was sick when I left and I was so scared that she was going to die while I was gone, but she waited for me! Dusty was the sweetest dog, and I had for 13 years, so I sometimes use my sweet puppy as a defining category.

Sometimes I think about things in terms of when I had faith that "could move mountains," and then when it became smaller than the requisite "mustard seed." When I was a "good girl" and then when I wasn't. I use this mostly when I'm trying to make a decision or answer a life question, like what would "the good Katie" have done? Why don't I want to do that? Was that version of me the real one or is this the real me? Was she wrong or am I right?

But for the most part, I tend to stick with lighter fare of coats and perfume to help sort out and define periods of my life. I don't know why, I didn't plan on making such a method, but it happened.

So how do you sort out and categorize your life? Is there just one way, or do you use many, like me? Are any of them as ridiculous as coats or perfume? Yes, I know they are ridiculous!

Aging, Via the Hot Guy Down the Street

My parents have lived in the same neighborhood since I was 10 years old. It was the kind of neighborhood everyone wanted to live in; a pool, playground, tennis courts, and games of flashlight tag during the summer. One of our favorite things to do as we got older was boy hunt. I think I was around 12 when one of my best friends told me she had seen the "hottest hunk ever" outside of the house that was down the street.

12 years old- the way I remember it

I wasn't sure if I believed her, this was the same girl who convinced me that oral sex was a type of kissing, which I believed for quite an embarrassingly long while. (I had a Godly mother, and asking her was NOT an option) She was adamant though, he was the hottest guy she had ever seen, besides Charlie Sheen, who she had met once and was madly in love with him. The topic was forgotten until a few months later when another friend of ours confirmed that there was "a super hot dude" living in that house. She said he was in college, her older sister knew him

Over the next couple of years, before I was driving, I would hope to catch a glimpse of this boy/man, but I never did. His car would be parked outside, but he remained my elusive girlish crush. I forgot about him as I got older, but because I had made a point to see if he was outside each time I passed his house, it became second nature. I wouldn't even think about it, but when ever I'd drive by, I would always slow down and do a quick inspection.

Today, as I was driving, something caught my eye, something raking leaves in a blue windbreaker.

Could this be it?

The moment I have been waiting for since I was 12 years old?

I slowed down to an embarrassingly slow crawl, and as I drove by he looked up and waved!

WAVED! At me!


As I waved back, trying to take in the moment, something seemed "off."

Yes, the person who waved at me was indeed, a "super hot dude." But he was OLD! All these years I had been waiting to see the hot college freshman, it never really occurred to me that he would become a middle-aged man.

Don't get me wrong, this man was definitely handsome. He looks like the kind of guy who could pull a MacGyver with a q-tip and string. But, he was not the young stud I had envisioned all these years.

In my mind, there are some things that don't age. If I imagine playing flashlight tag, we are all 12 years old again. Even though I still know, and see, those people regularly, I always picture us as kids growing up together.

I'm 27 years old, no spring chicken, but it still surprised me that the "hunk" was obviously in his mid to late 30's; a MAN! All these years I had failed to notice when his parents moved out, or when parties stopped happening there, or when the swing set was put up. He was an adult and so was I.

Has anything like that ever happened to you? Where something completely minute in the grand scheme of things turns out to be a giant spotlight?

I Never Appreciated It!

For as long as I can remember, I have always struggled with my body image. This is probably due to the fact that I looked like this during my "ugly years." I eventually outgrew my chub, but not before I acquired some pretty serious body issues.


My weight fluctuated over the years, never by too much, but enough that I always thought of myself as having to "watch what I ate." I would not say I had an eating disorder, per se, it was more of eating disorder flare ups. They would occur whenever I gained a few extra pounds and I felt the need to quickly lose some weight.

It didn't help that I was a cheerleader in high school, where everyone is looking at your body. Then I went to a College where it seemed every other person had an eating disorder of some sort, probably because of all the control freak, type A personalities.
Since I've had Spencer, my body is just not the same. I haven't actually gotten mentally prepared to undertake this mission, but I plan on a return to my formal self by my 28th birthday. But what gets me SO MAD, I mean really FREAKIN' MAD, is that I was SKINNY!

I remember when these pictures were taken, and I recall both times worrying that I was going to look fat in the pictures. I look at them now, and I think I was TOO thin- what in the name of all that is good and holy, was I thinking? It makes me sad that I wasted to much of life devoted to worrying about how much I weighed. I was never once please with how I looked, I always thought I could be smaller.

These three pictures below were all taken in Italy, the summer I studied there in 2002. There I was in the food capital of the world what I recall most about that trip was all the different ways I tried to avoid gaining weight.

____

If only I had been able to enjoy being skinny when I was skinny. Instead, the exact opposite happened- I made myself miserable worrying about my figure, always being afraid a guy wouldn't like me because of my inner thighs that touched. Looking at all these pictures has taught me a lesson- it's actually a quote I love, but never really stopped to think of how it applied to me.

"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.

Omar Khayyam

Now that I'm nowhere near as thin, skinny and pretty as I once was, I have resisted taking pictures of Spencer that include the me. I don't want to ruin the picture and I don't like having to see that I'm not the girl I used to be.

But, I'm starting to see that's just my pride. I need to enjoy each moment of my life, otherwise it's just going to pass me by. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself, ages 14-23, STOP it, you are skinny! You might be too skinny! You are wasting these precious moments that you will NEVER get back!

Spencer, age 3 weeks

I never appreciated myself and that makes me very sad. So I'm posting the few pictures I have of both me and Spencer. I'm sure one day, 10 years down the road, I'll be kicking myself again for hardly having any pictures of me and my daughter during her first year. I've been so consumed with how much I hate the way I look now, that I've let it adversely affect the most important thing in my life. And I know that this isn't just because NOW I actually do have a weight problem, because I was the same way even when I didn't- I just took my pictures.

Yes, I recognize these two don't exactly go together, but I think the color complement each other. The first picture was taken in July, we were out to eat with some friends and someone, sans permission, took a picture of us. The second picture is of my William and Mary Goochies, who drove hours to spend the day with us, even though I was complete post-surgical mess and no fun. I really have the most amazing friends! Spencer was 3 weeks old.

Oh, just gazing at my beautiful babe, once again, caught off guard. The second one is with my Grandpa; it was taken the first day he got to meet Spencer. He was in a nursing home and was very sick when she was born. He wasn't healthy enough to see her until she was three months old. It was a really special day, one I'll never forget- he was my only grandparent alive when Spencer was born. He died this past February.

Spencer and me at her fist birthday party

This is the most recent, I took it on my laptop last month.

I think everyone has their "thing" that they think will change if only "x" happens. Mine was always, "If only I was 5, 10, 15lbs thinner, everything in my life would fall into place." I could justify every problem with that excuse too, for example, I used to say, "I could have made a much better grade on that paper if I hadn't had to exercise for so many hours the day before." That's just a silly one, but I did it for everything.

No more! This year I'm going to try to get back to the old me, but a new old me. One that appreciates all my body has been through. I'm excited! I think part of the reason I've been so slacking on getting back into shape is that I've been dreading the idea of returning to that lifestyle; where every waking moment is spent on thinking of ways not to eat and if I did eat, how I was going to get rid of it.
So here's to being happy with who you are, the way you are. I know I'm ready to be happy with myself, I've been waiting about 27 years!