I Never Appreciated It!

For as long as I can remember, I have always struggled with my body image. This is probably due to the fact that I looked like this during my "ugly years." I eventually outgrew my chub, but not before I acquired some pretty serious body issues.


My weight fluctuated over the years, never by too much, but enough that I always thought of myself as having to "watch what I ate." I would not say I had an eating disorder, per se, it was more of eating disorder flare ups. They would occur whenever I gained a few extra pounds and I felt the need to quickly lose some weight.

It didn't help that I was a cheerleader in high school, where everyone is looking at your body. Then I went to a College where it seemed every other person had an eating disorder of some sort, probably because of all the control freak, type A personalities.
Since I've had Spencer, my body is just not the same. I haven't actually gotten mentally prepared to undertake this mission, but I plan on a return to my formal self by my 28th birthday. But what gets me SO MAD, I mean really FREAKIN' MAD, is that I was SKINNY!

I remember when these pictures were taken, and I recall both times worrying that I was going to look fat in the pictures. I look at them now, and I think I was TOO thin- what in the name of all that is good and holy, was I thinking? It makes me sad that I wasted to much of life devoted to worrying about how much I weighed. I was never once please with how I looked, I always thought I could be smaller.

These three pictures below were all taken in Italy, the summer I studied there in 2002. There I was in the food capital of the world what I recall most about that trip was all the different ways I tried to avoid gaining weight.

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If only I had been able to enjoy being skinny when I was skinny. Instead, the exact opposite happened- I made myself miserable worrying about my figure, always being afraid a guy wouldn't like me because of my inner thighs that touched. Looking at all these pictures has taught me a lesson- it's actually a quote I love, but never really stopped to think of how it applied to me.

"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.

Omar Khayyam

Now that I'm nowhere near as thin, skinny and pretty as I once was, I have resisted taking pictures of Spencer that include the me. I don't want to ruin the picture and I don't like having to see that I'm not the girl I used to be.

But, I'm starting to see that's just my pride. I need to enjoy each moment of my life, otherwise it's just going to pass me by. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself, ages 14-23, STOP it, you are skinny! You might be too skinny! You are wasting these precious moments that you will NEVER get back!

Spencer, age 3 weeks

I never appreciated myself and that makes me very sad. So I'm posting the few pictures I have of both me and Spencer. I'm sure one day, 10 years down the road, I'll be kicking myself again for hardly having any pictures of me and my daughter during her first year. I've been so consumed with how much I hate the way I look now, that I've let it adversely affect the most important thing in my life. And I know that this isn't just because NOW I actually do have a weight problem, because I was the same way even when I didn't- I just took my pictures.

Yes, I recognize these two don't exactly go together, but I think the color complement each other. The first picture was taken in July, we were out to eat with some friends and someone, sans permission, took a picture of us. The second picture is of my William and Mary Goochies, who drove hours to spend the day with us, even though I was complete post-surgical mess and no fun. I really have the most amazing friends! Spencer was 3 weeks old.

Oh, just gazing at my beautiful babe, once again, caught off guard. The second one is with my Grandpa; it was taken the first day he got to meet Spencer. He was in a nursing home and was very sick when she was born. He wasn't healthy enough to see her until she was three months old. It was a really special day, one I'll never forget- he was my only grandparent alive when Spencer was born. He died this past February.

Spencer and me at her fist birthday party

This is the most recent, I took it on my laptop last month.

I think everyone has their "thing" that they think will change if only "x" happens. Mine was always, "If only I was 5, 10, 15lbs thinner, everything in my life would fall into place." I could justify every problem with that excuse too, for example, I used to say, "I could have made a much better grade on that paper if I hadn't had to exercise for so many hours the day before." That's just a silly one, but I did it for everything.

No more! This year I'm going to try to get back to the old me, but a new old me. One that appreciates all my body has been through. I'm excited! I think part of the reason I've been so slacking on getting back into shape is that I've been dreading the idea of returning to that lifestyle; where every waking moment is spent on thinking of ways not to eat and if I did eat, how I was going to get rid of it.
So here's to being happy with who you are, the way you are. I know I'm ready to be happy with myself, I've been waiting about 27 years!