What is a Mother?

Many things happen to a woman when she becomes a mother. Many of them you probably anticipated, either happily awaiting the change or vehemently denying that it would ever happen to you. One of these "afflictions" that has happened to me, is my inability to watch, see or hear anything that involves harm to a child, be it illness, accident, or crime. I can't watch tv shows where something happens to a kid or a start to bawl uncontrollably. All of a sudden, I am SO aware of how fragile life is, how it could be gone in a moment and there are no re-dos.

I wasn't prepared for the all consuming love or the all consuming fear that comes with being a mom. I didn't realize that there would NEVER be another moment in my life where I could just relax, really relax and not worry about anything. Maybe it's because I'm so aware of this change in myself that I'm completely intolerant of mothers who haven't changed. It makes me batty to see how some don't appreciate the gift they have, or even worse, do or cause harm to come to their child.


I don't mean taking time out for yourself to do something for you- a happy mom is a happy baby. My thoughts today are on that little girl Caylee in Florida, who's body they found yesterday, who's mother murdered her. As more details come out, the more I want to puke.


How could a mother duct tape her baby's mouth shut, put her in a garbage bag, and throw her out like trash into the water? I feel wrong even calling her a mother, like I'm disparaging all moms by putting her in that category. The level of loathing I feel towards her is like nothing I have ever experienced. Of course I was upset when Andrea Yates murdered her children, but it was nothing compared to the reaction of my mom. That case had the element of PPD, so it's hard to compare the two, but being a mother to Spencer has made me feel like a mother to every kid out there. My eyes are welling up with tears as a think about Caylee- betrayed by the one person who was supposed to move mountains in order to protect her.


On one hand I feel a bit crazy for having such strong feelings about people I don't know. I'm usually able to empathize with almost anyone, but the very idea of doing that here repulses me. There's nothing that could be said or revealed that would make me feel anything but disgust.


I am so grateful for every moment with my daughter. When there are so many parents who have special needs children or even worse have lost a child... I feel there are no words to describe how thankful I am that Spencer is happy and healthy. All that I could ever hope and wish for Spencer is her happiness and health and as long as I'm here on earth I will move the mountains in order to make sure she is.