Poppy

Poppy, isn’t he adorable? He is 86 years old and every morning he is up at 6am and starts working on the farm at 7am. He comes in for lunch at 12, back out to harvesting until dinner at 5, and then back out AGAIN until it gets dark.

It is truly amazing, I have never seen anyone work as hard as he does. I’m talking real physical labor, sowing the crops, and a bunch of other laborious farming concepts and terminology I don’t get. And he always has a smile on his face. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was on some kind of medicinal cocktail of speed and happy pills, but he just really enjoys working his land.

Apple Peeling

Today I peeled like 15 apples! Total apples peeled by everyone- 60. I would have peeled more, but Baby would not hear of it. In the country, the fall is actually a harvest. People stocking up and preparing for winter. The apples we peeled today are going to be frozen and put away until winter. It's almost like I'm living Little House in the Big Woods.

16 is the Magic Number

I have met quite a few elderly people here in North Carolina. I am not joking when I say that everyone I met got married at the age of 16, or YOUNGER!

My Ex Boyfriend is Getting Married

“I always thought that if he could get it together, grow up, maybe we do it. Maybe we could really be a family, in a stupid traditional Dan-Quayle-golden-retriever-grow-old-together wear-matching-jogging-suits kind of way. And then he did get it together. He became that guy. And he gets to be that guy with her.”

—Lorelai Gilmore, Gilmore Girls - Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days :

Isn't This Sweet?

Car Sick

It’s official, if I lived in the mountains, or any place that required driving at least 10 minutes of curvy hilly roads to get anywhere, I would never leave my house. Yesterday, we went on a drive to see one of the more scenic places in the area, Pigeon Roost, and within 8 minutes of leaving the driveway, I thought I was going to die. Oh the nausea! I tried sitting in the middle, in the front, eyes closed, eyes opened, windows up, windows down- NOTHING WORKED. The other problem- 10 miles is like a 40 minute drive because you have to drive so slowly and carefully over and around the steep hills and curves.
It took well over an hour for me recover once we got back home, an hour in which I vowed to never leave this house again. I’m sure I’ll change my mind in a few days, but omg, it will have to be for an emergency- like running out of Diet Coke- the life blood that keeps me going.

Wireless Internet

I have brought wireless internet to a place where dial-up is a luxury. After Baby and I left the last time, the GGP’s decided to invest in highspeed internet, not wireless though, even though they did not have a computer. I just happened to have a wireless router that I got for the new house- since we haven’t moved yet it was unopened.


I wasn’t expecting much, as my technical capabilites are average at best, but the other day we all tried to get it to work, but it kept saying that the router wasn’t supported by the connection. If I know that there is something that can be done that isn’t being done, it drives me CRAZY. So this morning I had a few minutes to myself, and I sat down, armed with instructions and mass amounts of determinations. Forty-five minutes, 10 expletives, and a diet coke later- SUCCESS. I am now typing this 25 feet away from the router and modem, rather than beging constrained by a 3 foot ethernet cable.
This may seem like a minor accomplishment in the great scheme of things, but it’s much more than just wireless internet. I worry a lot that I am going to need help doing things because I can’t, don’t know how, not smart enough, etc. So whenever I get something done that I didn’t think I could do by myself, I get really excited. Like the first time I made a slutty Catholic school costume all by myself- but that story is for another time.

10 Secret(esque) Things About Me

1. I didn’t watch Sex and the City until it was in it’s 4th season because I believed it would corrupt my innocent soul and that everyone who watched it was not "a good girl."
2. It really stinks that I now get labeled as not "a good girl." I sometimes feel like I wish I'd done what(who)ever I wanted because then at least I would have lived up to the reputation I now have. 
3. I spent countless days, nights, and hours worrying that The Second Coming would happen before I got married and had sex. The idea of being raptured up before then was almost too much to bare.  I used to pray multiple times a day “Jesus please let Your Will be done and please let Your Will be that You will tarry." Oh, the irony of it all. (tarry is the church word for waiting or delaying)
4. The idea of “FOREVER” scares the living daylights out of me. Like, forever and ever and ever… I get the sick pitty feeling in my stomach that sends waves of terror and nausea throughout my body. I am wondering if this is just a phenomenon that occurs in those raised in the Church, or if it’s something everyone experiences when thinking about the thing that scares them the most?
5. I can’t imagine having another child because I don’t see how it would be possible for me to love him/her as much as I love Spencer. Do mom’s really love their second and third kids as much as their first one or is all just a big lie they tell so they don’t seem like a bad mother?
6. When I was in college, at one of the most liberal institutions on the east coast, I was the official Liaison to the Ronald Reagan Foundation for the College of William and Mary. To say I was a conservative right winger would be like saying a hurricane is a bit gusty. Four years and one kid later, I donated ($25) to the Hillary Clinton Campaign. This is all the more shocking, mostly to myself, because in high school I actually believed that the Clinton’s friends with the Devil himself. (I still don't consider myself a democrat.  I'm a strict constructionist with a soft spot for the underdog.)
7. I have seen The Goonies at least 100 times and whenever I see Sean Astin as an adult middle-aged man, a small part of my inner child dies a bit.
8. When I was in elementary and middle school I wasn’t allowed to watch Beavis and Butthead. Whenever I went to someone’s house and they would put on the show, I would actually go into another room, so that my eyes would not be exposed to the MTV cartoon.  (See, that's what I mean!  I was a good kid!)
9. I used to HATE green peppers until I got pregnant, and now I LOVE them.
10. I am empathetic to a fault. I FEEL other people’s pain like it’s my own, as if it’s actually happening to me. I always root for the underdog and I am compelled to stick up for someone being bullied.

Jase and Me

Kathy Griffin in Richmond

I saw Kathy Griffin last week and she was amazing! I went with my friend Jase, his boyfriend, and some of his friends, and we had a great time. She was hilarious! We were sitting in the 3rd row, which is the closest I have ever sat to anything. My only complaint was that I didn't think she was offensive enough. I took a couple of videos with my camera, bootleg style, so here they are.

Middle of Nowhere, NC Again

So I am going to North Carolina again. I thought it would be a good change of pace, plus it’s for a good cause. The upside of it is that there is now internet!! Thank ye Lord above! This means I can blog, in shocking detail, the craziness that I will encounter at the quaint country church; i.e., the screaming minister jumping off stages, bellowing REPENT! REPENT! REPENT!

I don't know how long we're going to be there, but I'm looking forward to hanging out with the PGGP's. Hopefully I'll learn a few recipes and do some un-Katie like things. It's good to go outside of the box sometimes, and since my life is pretty predictable these days, I'm ready for something new.

We are leaving on Thursday, but not before I indulge in my hedonistic love of Kathy Griffin.
It should be a grand ole time, full of the crazy to which I seem to gravitate.

I LOVE This!

Stand Up to Cancer

On Friday night all three major television networks aired the Stand Up to Cancer telethon to raise money for cancer research. It was heartbreaking and sad while also uplifting to see how the human spirit can triumph over devastating loss. I urge all of you to read up about SUTC organization, and if you feel moved to, DONATE. Even $5 dollars can help.

 

Stand Up to Cancer

DONATE TO STAND UP TO CANCER

Getting Older

Happy Birthday Sara!

Today is my best friends birthday! I am always surprised by how much it SUCKS that we can never be young again. Whenever I watch tv shows like Gossip Girl all I can think about is that I'll never be in high school again. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

RCause.org

http://www.rcause.org/Home/Home_B.aspx

This is a really amazing website that donates to charities and ALL you have to do is click on “the click tab.” There is no spam and no entering of email addresses. The site donates at least a $10 minimum per day, regardless of how many clicks they get!

North Carolina Pictures

I love taking pictures, and these were a few from Gran's house. I think think they are so beautiful!

Old Time Religion Part 2

Today we went to church. Everyone was really nice to us, I can’t complain about that. And because I fear the wrath of God I don’t want to say anything negative about the experience, because they were really nice. Let me just say that fornication, AIDS as punishment for immorality, the disbelief in global warming, and the homosexuals polluting Earth, was just the tip of the iceberg. I grew up listening to this stuff, so it wasn’t a huge shock to hear it- the jarring part was the length of the service: 3 HOURS! I can only take so much hellfire and brimstone before I start twitching. I felt guilty about this involuntary jerking of mine because everyone was just so kind. Oh, the inner turmoil of my conflicted soul/psyche.


Despite all my complaining, I really am having a nice time here. All of my grandparents have passed on, but when I’m here, I feel the same way I used to feel around them. It’s such a nice and comfortable feeling that I miss so much. I think that's why I like Lifetime movies so much; my Mema and I always watched them together, or the Hallmark movies. Gran likes them too, and when we watch them together I feel closer to my Mema.

Old Time Religion

Written Saturday Night

Tomorrow we are going to church. Not just any old church, but Cun-tree Chur-urch. I was raised in a strict (but not legalistic or fundamentalist) Baptist family and it's been a blessing and a curse.  I didn't/don't always like what I was taught to believe but I can’t believe anything else.  No matter how much soul searching, religious researching, or faith questioning I do- I just can't really believe in something different.  Does that make sense?  Even during the times when I "believed" or thought I believed different things, in the back of my mind I couldn't escape or quiet that little voice who was screaming "this is WRONG."  

Which brings me to my current situation in my faith.  What do you do when you don't like what you believe?  I mean, I have a daughter out of wedlock, which is not exactly smiled upon.  And I have gay friends, which is most definitely not smiled upon.  And I drink wine, which there seems to be some wiggle room on, but still... And I like to dance, go to the movies, vampires, Santa Claus, I don't think Hurricane Katrina was a result of the Lord's wrath for the city's sins, and I often fall asleep while saying my prayers.  How do I reconcile all of that with what I was taught?  With what I believe?  If I do and believe all of that, how can I still actually believe what I believe?  

Maybe it's that I remember how I used to be and how I used to feel.  I lived in a mostly black and white world and now I only see shades of gray.  I guess it could have something to do with that "back then" I had a much stricter moral compass.  Although I wouldn't say my moral compass isn't strict now, it's just stricter in some areas and more lenient in others;  it's been re-calibrated.  But knowing what I know now, who I am now, and everything else that's happened, I just don't know if it's possible for me to ever get back that without a shadow of a doubt faith I used to have. And don't think I've forgotten that God spits out lukewarm Christians like dog vomit.  Which then makes me want to be icy cold, because at least then I'll be a little bit more safe. Right? No, I know that's not "right," and the whole thing starts all over again, getting me back to where I am now; stuck in this self-perpetuating cycle of doubt.  

It's not a good place to be. I hate seeing that look in the eyes of the very righteous that I’m the Whore of Babylon. It’s a strange look of “I’m not judging you because Jesus wouldn’t like that, you loose, loose woman.”  But I'm not really even talking about the people at my church, because they've been unbelievably supportive of me and Spencer. I just know that it's impossible to not see me as "that girl" now.  Mostly because that's how I often see myself. 

Pam

That’s my mother. She’s a very nice person to other people, just not me. Today I told her I was thinking about going back to law school and she looked at me and laughed in my face.

I destroyed her dream of having a successful daughter she could brag about and I have been paying for it ever since. For awhile I felt really badly about being a failure as a daughter, but a person can only say they’re sorry so many times.

Becoming Jane

It’s Saturday night and I am sitting in “my room” at the ggp’s house. I am sitting in “my room” crying my eyes out all because of Becoming Jane, the movie with Anne Hathaway. Like I said before, I am one of those dorky educational types. My overall knowledge is more of the jack of all trades, master of none type, in that I seem to know a little about a lot. The story of Jane Austen is one that falls into that category. I knew that she was famous while she was alive, that she died fairly young, and that she never got married. I knew all of this going into the movie, but I honestly thought that it was going to be a movie that was more loosely inspired rather than autobiographical. I was happily enjoying the movie until it hit me, this movie was not going to end well, AKA, Jane Austen’s life was ironically tragic. I don’t want to do an entire movie recap here, so I will just say that I found the saddest part to be when they said that it’s a universal truth that good endings don’t happen to good people.

I was trying not to openly weep in front of everyone but that attempt was futile. I think the reason it made me so sad was because that is what I fear the most- not having a happy ending to my story. I make tons, millions, billions even, of bad choices. I’m pretty sure my epitaph at this particular juncture of life would be “Here Lies Katie, She Made Bad Choices.” While I acknowledge this truth about myself, I also think that my bad choices are usually made with good intentions. It’s the unintended consequences of those choices that seem to get me in trouble. The one thing that I have always wanted in/for my life is “to live happily ever after.” Not living HEA, is one of my biggest fears, shortly after burning in the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity.

The place that I am in in my life right now is not one that I have directly chosen for myself. It’s a place that I have indirectly stumbled upon. I’m just scared that no matter what choices I make in life, no decision I make will result in happily ever after.

I'm Back!

Happy Back to School Day Ya’ll! I’m back from BFE North Carolina :) Because I had no internet I couldn’t post, but I wrote blog entries while I was there, so I am going to post them in the order I wrote them. The program starts tomorrow, so I hope you’re rootin’ me out. I’m pretty excited!

PS- As you read this, make sure it’s with a THICK southern/mountain accent!

The Holiday Weekend

So this weekend my daughter and I are going with her paternal grandparents to Middle of Nowhere, North Carolina. I really love her grandparents and great-grandparents, so I am really excited to see the GGP's. However, I am one of those unfortunate people who can’t live without the Internet and my FauxVo. It’s like the world keeps spinning and I know things are happening out there, but I have no way to access it!

I am looking forward to a little peace and quiet. A chance to read all of the books I have been planning on reading but haven’t gotten a chance to even crack the spine. We are coming back on Tuesday, so it's just a short trip, but hopefully it will be a lot fun! That’s all for now. Any fun ideas on what we can do in Middle of Nowhere, North Carolina?

Where Do I Start?

Hi, I'm Katie, welcome to my first blog entry!

I was an almost success story until the day I found out I was "with child." Since then, I have become a single parent to an amazing and beautiful daughter- so this is my life, 2.0.

I don't know if I should give you my life story now, otherwise, the mystery will be gone and you might not want to read about me anymore :)


But in the interest of some basic disclosure, here are some "fun" facts so that you will know what's going on, thus far in "2.0, Katie's Life!" Okay, that was my first lie to you, Internet, they really aren't fun.

• I went to, and graduated from, The College of William and Mary
• I am PROUD PROUD PROUD mommy
• I am Sister in Kappa Kappa Gamma; So happy that I am a....
  
• My family is VERY Baptist. I was very Baptist as well, but for the past couple of years I've been having some crises of faith. I'm hoping to resolve this and find my way back again.
  
• I was in Law School when I got pregnant with my Baby
• I didn't get pregnant on purpose.
• I had dated Baby Daddy for years but it was not an ideal situation.
  
• I'm no longer in law school- the two just weren't compatible
• I don't know if I'm going to go back to LS, I feel like I've changed a lot since I've become a mother, and I'm not sure being a lawyer is what will make me happy, professionally speaking.
• I'm a single parent, no husband, or boyfriend. My parents, while initially despondent over "the end of my life," really have been such a tremendous help, and I couldn't have made this far without them.
• Baby's other grandparents are also very involved in her life as well as her Parental Great-Grandparents. (PGGP's)
• I still have great plans for my life; I don't think it's over because I chose to have a baby.
• I chose to have my Baby, but had it not been for the hiccups I might have done the other thing.
  
• No one wanted me to have her and I thought about maybe not having her, but at my doctor's appointment the tech told me the baby was having hiccups and they'd have to wait for them to stop to get an accurate reading. I get the hiccups all time, a few times a week, and it was in that moment that I knew she was mine. I burst into tears and got up and left.
  
• That was the day my life changed, February 13, 2007; I was at peace with my decision, I was resolved.
  
• And thank the Heavenly Father I had that resolve, because I needed it. It was NOT pretty when I told Baby Daddy I was keeping her.
• I broke my parents' hearts when I told them about the baby. But in that moment, the only thing that I could think was "I am a MOTHER," my job is to protect this little peanut who is making me puke every 10 minutes. Me, Katie, a mommy.
• I used to be a Republican, a hardcore Republican. But, I think that's changing.
• I worry a lot about failure now that I've let so many people down. I used to be the Golden Child, the Child of Promise, and I hate how people look at me now; like I've wasted my life, like I'm never going to amount to anything anymore. It keeps me trying from trying anything new- I don't think I could handle my parents being ashamed of me again.
  
• Despite the fact that Baby Daddy and I will never be a couple again, I really like, and get along well with his whole family, which is something that I feel is super important for Baby.
  
  

I think that's enough to get the ball rolling on my story. I'm just a single mother trying to be enough for my daughter.