Helpless

My friend who died ended his own life.  I found out today.

From the outside looking in, it appeared as though the world was his oyster.  He had a beautiful, intelligent wife, a house, and a loving family.  For what more could you ask?  I was looking at some of his pictures the other day, before any of this happened, and I thought to myself that he looked so happy, so loved.  He was one of the last people I would ever think could make such a decision;  to choose death over life.  

As sad as I am for him, all I can think about is his wife.  They were supposed to have a lifetime together- to grow old with each other.  And now she's alone; left by herself to pick up the pieces and somehow move forward.  It makes me queasy to think about the helplessness she must feel.  What must she have gone through when she went home and found him?

I've experienced depression before.  Shortly after my Mema died my dad was diagnosed with Small B-Cell Lymphoma, specifically Small Lymphocytic Lymphoma.  Within four months my world was turned upside down and I was devastated.  Months later I no longer recognized myself and my parents were so worried about me.  I got help, went to a psychiatrist and was put on an anti-depressant.  After awhile things began to look brighter and I was slowly weaned off of them under my doctor's supervision.  It was a painful time in my life, but I never thought about ending it.  That's why I know he must have been in such tremendous despair.


It's taken me five minutes to write the word.  Suicide.  It takes my breath away like a punch to the stomach.  I don't know if he reached our to anyone or if he kept it all bottled inside.  What if someone I'm close to is experiencing the same thoughts and feelings?  How can I help?  I hope I'm the kind of person that someone could turn to, but maybe I'm not.  I don't know, what are the right words to say?

Tonight, I'm feeling helpless.

Fleeting

I just found out that a friend of mine from high school passed away last night.  We weren't the best of friends, probably more of acquaintances in actuality.  But he's dead now.  Alive yesterday, dead today.  I just can't fathom that.  He was such a nice guy, incredibly smart, and was only 27.  I can't even imagine the pain his wife his going through right now.  I'm even more reminded how fleeting this life is; how we have no idea when our last day is in fact our last day.  It sends shivers down my spine to think of it.  But right now I'm just thinking about the break dancing guy from high school- the one who always had a smile and a hug for everyone.

Answers to Your Questions, Part One

About two weeks ago I wrote this post and said that if there was anything left you wanted to know, email and ask me and I'd do a question and answer post. I finally got a chance to answer the majority of the questions ya'll sent me, but there will be a part two since this was getting so lengthy! I really enjoyed reading your questions and I hope I've fully answered your questions. Okay, so let's get on to it.

Does your mom read your blog?

No! She knows I have one, but that's it. She doesn't have the address and even if she did, she still wouldn't read it. I just don't think I could be really open and honest if I knew mu mom was reading. Not because I'm hiding anything from her, we speak every day, but there's something different about her reading my written words- it reminds me of all the times she read my diaries/journals in my youth (and then all the subsequent groundings). It took me almost a year of blogging before I even let many of my IRL friends know about this blog. It may sound strange, but I'm much more comfortable with strangers reading my site than people I actually know.

Is Spencer's father around or in the picture?

Um, I don't like to write about him for a variety of reasons- this blog is about our life (mine and Spencer's) and I just don't feel comfortable writing about him in a public manner. So this may have given the impression that he's not in our lives at all. But he's "around" sometimes. She usually sees him when we visit her grandparents.



What kind of camera and lenses do you have?

My camera is Canon Rebel XTi and I shoot with the lens that came with the camera and also a Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II lens.


What photo editor do you use?

I mostly use Photoshop, but sometimes Picnik comes in handy for small fixes that are more difficult to correct in PS. When I first got my camera I bought Photoshop Elements 6 and learned on that program. For any beginners and self-teachers, I recommend that you start off with a PS Elements program rather than the full blown Creative Suite PS. It's much easier to learn on, has more automatic features, and is relatively inexpensive. I compare it to cameras- your first camera is always a point and shoot. If you like taking pictures, you learn as much as you can from that one before deciding to buy an SLR.

I used PS Elements 6 for about a year and then decided it was time for an upgrade. There was no way I could afford to buy a new PS CS4, but I found a used older version on Craigslist and became the proud owner of Photpshop CS3 for only $75. (And I made sure that it wasn't a pirated version before I bought it, it was the actual purchased program.) I really love the CS3, but if I had bought it first, I would have had no idea what was going on or what to do.


How do you financially support Spencer?

This is a long one, so prepare yourself!

With a lot of help from my parents. We live in my Mema's old house, which is now technically my mom's, so that means I don't have a rent or mortgage payment. I have Etsy and Ebay stores and make money that way. I also do some odd jobs, like photo sessions for people, pet sit, house sit, and do research work for a small newspaper. I'm lucky in that I used to have the Life of Riley and was able to accumulate a lot stuff (combined with the fact that I'm a pack rat, borderline hoarder) that was worth a fair amount of money. When I'm in a pinch I just sell of my belongings! I used to have multiple Coach, Kate Spade, and Dooney bags, plus some Guccis that I picked up in at an outlet in Italy. Now I just have one of each and none of the Gucci bags. Plus I had many ball gowns, size 4 Lilly dresses, sunglasses, and an impressive collection of watches. Most of that is all gone now, I only have one pair of shades, two formal gowns (that I will never wear again, but still can't part with), and my red D&G watch that I bought at the outlet in Italy. But don't worry, I'll never run out of things to sell, I haven't even touched my shoe, coat, or other jewelry collection! So all of that was able to give me quite a nice chunk of change, which has definitely come in handy.

I'd say that a lot of how I manage to stay fiscally afloat is due to spending sacrifices. Gone are the days of hair cuts and colors every 6 weeks, pedicures twice a month, sprees at Target and Sephora, hard back books, and going to the movie theater. I would never say that I do without, because there are certainly so many people out there that actually Do Without, but I do with a whole less than I once did! I now borrow books or buy them used, go to the thrift store, use a ton of coupons, paint my own toe nails and use hair color from a box, watch movies at someone else's house, eat Spencer's leftovers, and wear the same outfits over and over again, Basically, I used to be a Someone Else Do It For Me and I'll Pay You type of person. Now, I'm mostly a Do It Myself or Maybe Not at All type of person.

But in all honesty, it's because of my parents that I can give Spencer this life. I would never have been able to do without them. In the beginning they paid for everything regarding Spencer, from diapers, to organic food, to BPA free bottles. We lived with them for a year and I had a roof over my head, free meals, and access to all the OnDemand movies I could watch! Now, I buy everything Spencer needs and pay many of our bills, but they still pay for her very expensive health insurance and a few other things when I can't swing it all by myself. Let's just say I've racked up a pretty impressive IOU with them!

So how do I support Spencer? Frugal living, selling my worldly possessions, Etsy and Ebay, odd jobs, wise spending choices, and a lot of help from my parents.


How do you pronounce Mema and Papa?

Mee Maw and Paw Paw


I'm also a makeup junkie, Sephora loving kinda girl. What are your favorite must haves essentials?

I'm fairly certain that I could easily spend thousands of dollars in 30 minutes at my personal Mecca, Sephora. I want everything in there! But it's also quite pricey, so I never go anymore unless I'm armed with a gift certificate. For my birthday this year, both my aunt and Spencer's PGPs gave me Sephora gift cards and I got to do some shopping!

One of things I love about that store is their return policy- you can bring anything back, even if it's been used, if you don't like it and exchange it for something else. I've never actually done it, but I find it comforting to know I can, haha!

Okay, so my favorite must have essential items are: Fiberwig Mascara in black, Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Blunt (but Baked is a really good summer color), NARS blush in Orgasm, MAC Fluidline Eyeliner in Blacktrack (but you can't buy MAC at Sephora), and Bliss Fabulous Foaming Face Wash cleanser and exfoliator. Those are my have to haves, or really want to haves! I don't usually wear foundation because my skin doesn't need it all that much, but when I do wear, my favorite is Smashbox's High Definition Foundation in Fair 01. I also really like MAC's Fix Powder, but I brush it on because it can look a little heavy (which is great for bad skin days).


So that's it for round one, if I haven't gotten to your question. don't fret, I will get Part Two out very shortly!

A Fated Future

There's a song that I heard awhile ago and I think about the lyrics all the time. They are:

If you could have one minute alone


With yourself when you were young


Do you think you would lie

I can't answer it. And oddly enough, it's not the reason most people would probably think- it's Macbeth. Out of all the Shakespeare tragedies, Macbeth was my least favorite, and that's putting it mildly. It drove me crazy wondering if it was fate that controlled his future or if was by seeing his future that he controlled/manipulated his fate. When he saw in the witches brew that his destiny was to be king, he took insane actions to make it happen. If he had never seen his future would he have still been king? Was he only destined to be king if he saw the future? Was him looking in the brew already part of the future plan that would lead him into his descent of madness?

Of course there are no real answers, only interpretations, which made it all the more frustrating. But it does make me wonder- if I told myself 10 years ago that this where I'd be, would it change my present? Would I take every action to ensure a different life than the one I'm leading, or is this my fate no matter what?

I guess the real question would be is your future your fated future or is it knowing your future that determines your fate? (That's a lot of futures!) I think to myself, I would want to know the truth, but then I shake my head and say no. I would never do anything to jeopardize my life with Spencer. And I know me 10 years ago and she would do everything in her power to write a different story for herself (me).

I go back and forth thinking about this completely ridiculous question. Not only is there no answer, but it's an impossible thing that would never happen. So why do I keep thinking about it?

What about you? Would you lie to your younger self or tell the truth?

The song is More Than Alive by Hayden

Technology

The wonderful world of technology and I have a love hate relationship. There are some days where I feel really hip and on my game, i.e., I've been on twitter for almost a year now. And there are other days, like today, where I'm like "what's my root server?"

I wouldn't say that I suffer from OCD, but I have OCD tendencies when it comes to knowledge. If there is something out there and I know I don't what it is, I won't stop until I have an answer. Did that make sense? I even have a subscription to Mental Floss Magazine! I get started on something, the other day it was on Wallis Simpson, The Duchess of Windsor, and I can't stop until I have answered all my internal questions. Go ahead, ask me anything about Wallis, I'm pretty sure I'll have the answer.

I hate the idea of being obsolete. It seems to me that the older you get, the easier it is to become out of touch with the real world. None of my grandparents ever owned a computer and only one of them ever even owned a cell phone. When I was in college, I used to write them emails, but I'd have to send it to one of my parents or my aunt, so they could print it off and give it to them. Who knows what kind of technology there will be when I'm a grandma, but it scares to me think that I might not be able to take advantage of it.

So Internet, what do you do to stay up to date on technology? Do you have a go-to website or magazine, or are you not concerned with it? I'm wondering if it's just me or if anyone else feels the same way.

Life Questions

You meet a magician. He can do 5 simple tricks--pull a rabbit out of a hat, make a coin disappear, turn an ace to a joker, and two similar others. These are his only tricks, and he cannot learn any more. HOWEVER he is doing these tricks with REAL MAGIC. No illusions, he can actually conjure a bunny, and move a coin through space. He is legitimately magical, but limited in scope.

Is this person more impressive then Albert Einstein?

Yes. Theoretically, everything that Einstein accomplished could be replicated by another genius. Not to take anything away from him, but all he was, was smart. We understand smart and we can study smart. That cannot be said for magic. There are no known ways or tools to be magical, to acquire magical abilities, or to understand it in terms of theoretical physics.

Even if the magician can only do a few random, silly tricks- the fact that it is actually magic means that it is something Einstein, or any other genius, can/couldn’t do. The possibility to learn about real magic and maybe even being able to replicate it- that would be so cool!