And Here It Is

I was trying to get a little distance from the day before really posting on it, but I'm fairly certain "distance" can't change reality. So here it is, a sugar coated Easter 2009 would read "not the best."

But in reality, it was more like a a level of hell in Dante's Inferno or comparable to Sisyphus having to push a boulder up a hill every day, only to watch it roll back down again- for all eternity. Maybe that's a tad extreme, but what can I say- distance hasn't given me perspective yet.

The day started off lovely and normal, Easter baskets, chocolate, peeps, etc. I went to give Spencer a bath before going to Worship Service, and that was when the trouble started- she did NOT want to get out of the bath. Granted, it was a shorter play time than usual, but she still played. I powdered and dried my babe and then went to get her dress out of her closet. In that 25 second window, she managed to produce the mother lode of all crapolas; leaking out the side, running down her legs- which she managed to wipe on her chest and get under her finger nails.

I tried to stay calm, I really, really did. I picked her back up and gave her another bath. There was no play time, just cleaning time. Needless to write, we did not make it church- the first time in my 27 years of life. My mom and brother also didn't go- a first for her in her 56 years of life- because they were waiting for us- she was not happy with me.

There was no way under the sun, that I wasn't going to get some lovely pictures of Spencer in her Easter dress. I spent hours looking for the right dress, only to order it and then get an email that it was sold out in her size. I then spent more hours of my life finding an equally suitable dress. Usually we take the pictures at church, but since that wasn't going to happen, I had too think of an alternative. So we decided to go to Maymont Park- which is a beautiful, huge park, with gorgeous gardens, animals, a mansion and other pretty bits of nature.

In the car, we all sang traditional Easter hymns and had a mini Easter service. When we got to the park we realized that Spencer's stroller wasn't in my mom's car. Not a huge problem on the surface, but it turned into one very shortly.

In my mind I had imagined finding a scenic spot where Spencer would frolic and play and I would take pictures. Well, you know how they say when we plan, God laughs? Trust me, he was laughing with a capital L.

We started off on our jaunt to the Japanese Gardens. The park is very hilly and winds up and down, taking you to many places in order to get to the "sites." You cross bridges over rivulets, pass the bears, the bison, the eagles- normally it's great. However, Spencer was enthralled with each new thing she encountered and it was impossible to get her to listen. This was made worse by the lack of stroller. It was tripled in awfulness by the fact that GiGi and Batt ( what she calls my mom and brother) there. When Spencer is around them, she does NOT listen to me and runs to them.

Every single time I tried to get her to do anything, she screamed and threw herself on the ground, or put her head in between her legs, or screamed like a pterodactyl. Normally I love the fact that my family can entertain her, but she would have nothing to do with me. After walking about a quarter of a mile (no joke) we realized that we had parked in the parking lot the farthest away from the Japanese Gardens. Based on Spencer's quickly deteriorating mood, we decided to go to the Italian Gardens, which were much closer- just up the hill.

Well, the hill turned out to be more of a mountain- literally and figuratively. It was pretty steep and about 1/4 of the way up, Spencer gave out. She sat on the ground and scowled at me. My bro picked her up and carried her up the hill, but this too, displeased her- she wanted to walk. So going up the hill, she'd sit, Matt would pick her up and carry her a few feet until she squirmed out his arms and she's start running again, only to sit down after a few more feet. This cycle continued all the way up the hill.

Finally, we made it to the top, and it was beautiful! Only the Italian Gardens were roped off!!!!

I realized that my idea of scenicly posed pictures were out of the question. I had been snapping pictures the whole time, but most of them were of Spencer's backside or of her scowling at me. I wanted at least one picture of her looking at the camera and smiling. Alas, this was not to be. I took 220 pictures on Easter and I don't have one where she is smiling and looking at me.

There we are at the top of the hill and we can see the entire park, it was really beautiful. The moment quickly passed when I realized that we are smack dab in the middle of the park, with no easy access way to the entrance/exit. We were well over 1/2 mile away- a half of mile of hills, valleys, and endless Spencer distractions. Each time she saw her shadow she would try and catch it- very cute, but after the first ten times... well you get it.

Playing with her shadow

It only took us about 35 minutes to make it to the roped off Italian Gardens. It took us an hour and fifteen minutes to make it back to the car. When the exit was in sight, Spencer threw a huge temper tantrum. She didn't want to walk anymore, or be carried, or anything. She sat on the ground, and began kicking her legs, pounding her fists on the ground, and screaming at the top of her lungs. As these wails echoed throughout the park, hundreds of judgmental eyes on me, it was like the echo was mocking me, saying "bad mama!"

Embarrassing.

Matt picked her up off the ground and held her at an arms distance, as to avoid getting kicked by her flailing legs. I could see the eyes of everyone around, and they were asking themselves "Why is that mother doing nothing to control her child?"

Trust me, I tried, but each time I got near her she would bury her face on Matt's shoulder or run to my mom and hold on to her legs. On the rare times when I was able to pick her up before she ran away from me, she would pull my hair and hit me until I couldn't take it any longer.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I have a torn rotator cuff. I severely dislocated my shoulder in high school, requiring months of slings and physical therapy. It's never been the same since then and it slips in and out of socket all the time. It hadn't bothered me too much since then until I had Spencer. Carrying her and holding her all the time took it's toll and now my rotator cuff is torn. There's no way to fix it except to have surgery, which is out of the question at this point in life. So this is why I can't hold Spencer when she's having a tantrum.

But I couldn't exactly say that out loud to all the staring eyes and frowns. It was a definite low point in my history of motherhood- I felt like the worst mom in the world. We finally made it back to the car, Spencer kicking and screaming the whole way out. As soon as we got in the car she fell asleep, thank goodness.

She slept for about two hours and then we went to my aunt's house for Easter dinner. Neither her behavior or her attitude towards me changed. She only wanted to play with Batt- I couldn't get one smile out of her. Thankfully, the day ended. That's the best thing I can say about Sunday- it finally became Monday.

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As I was rocking Spencer to sleep that night, my sweet girl returned to me. She kissed my cheek and patted my face and held my hand. I can never resist Sweet Spencer, and we cuddled until she passed out. But the feelings of inadequacy still lingered, they're here now. I know all the logical answers to my fears- but it doesn't help all that much. One of the worst parts about being a single parent is that I never get to be just "the fun one." I'm the disciplinarian, the rule maker- I don't have the luxury of being "fun."

Don't get me wrong, Spencer and I do have really great, good times together. But it's not like I can ignore her bad behavior because I never see her and want our rare times together to be fun. So I'm always the only one who makes her behave, and I don't really like that so much. On the flip side though, I don't want anyone else to to punish her either, because that takes a certain amount of knowledge about the child in order to do it correctly and effectively.

It's a Catch-22 and one that I entered into willingly with open eyes, so I can't complain too much. But there are times when it gets to me and feel like I'm not doing a good job, and Easter just happened to be that day.

So this officially puts an end to Easter 2009, a day that will live on in infamy. Good- freaking-Bye!